Ten Perfect Cocktails For Getting Slutty Halloween Characters in the Sack

So, I don't particularly care for the word slut, but seriously ladies, most of the stuff you are wearing as a "costume" is really just naughty lingerie meant for the bedroom. In fact, Halloween in Miami is really more of a porn convention, where holiday creativity is willingly replaced with trampy outfits on parade. We've spied everything from the typical French maid, to a super short version of Dorothy's Midwestern gingham. (Uh, I don't think that's what Frank would say they wear in Oz.)

Since the female population is obviously going to great lengths to entice you gentlemen, the least you can do is get the girl a drink. What to buy her at the bar? Intimidated by a S&M construction worker in a spiked bra?

Sure to take you from "Hello, beautiful!" to "Sorry, I don't snuggle," here's our libation line-up for the Halloween party-man with a plan, because at a certain age, "would you like some candy, little girl?" just doesn't quite make the grade.

Oh, and to my fellow female-kind: don't worry, you do look sexy and fabulous. It is indeed Halloween, so let your freak fly.

Any cocktail containing a dose of absinthe works for this friendly farm girl. The little green fairy will have her asking to see the man behind the curtain before she leaves Oz. Plus, she already knows what it feels like to wake up in unfamiliar surroundings and have no clue as to how she got there. "Oh my, I really don't think I'm in Kansas anymore. Toto? Is that you licking my face?"

Sexy Construction Worker
A girl in a hard hat can totally take down shots with the boys, so line up those very effective Jager Bombs and watch the walls come tumbling down. She's used to lifting large objects, and she's always on top of the situation. "Wow, it's so big and heavy!"

Fetching Schoolgirl
She's in a kilt, and she looks far too young to know what's what in Daddy's liquor cabinet, so just buy a Long Island iced tea and tell her Snapple makes it. You may have to hide her phone in order to actually spend any time alone together. "I swear I'm legal, I can vote! I mean I don't vote, but I totally could if I wanted to, ya know?"

Naughty Nurse
Get her a Red Bull and vodka to caffeinate and stimulate, 'cuz the good news is that she's used to staying up all night long. And if she's really a nurse, she may have access to a prescription pad, making your night doubly successful. "My poor baby, tell me what I can do to make it better?"

Wicked Witch
At least she tried to dress with a real holiday theme in mind, so reward her with a craft brew, because this one may actually be worth calling after the morning after. "Sure, why not? The hat doesn't weigh as much when I'm lying down."

Indian Princess
Bourbon seems appropriate since without corn,

well, there would be no bourbon, and a high alcohol content guarantees

she'll let you pull on her braids. The loincloth means she's the easiest to get undressed. (Giggle) "Feathers tickle!"

French Maid
A French martini

is the obvious choice here. The heavy dose of raspberry liquor is coyly sweet just like she is, and a few of these will have her saying "mais, oui!" in no time. "I deeed work for Monsieur le Président! His office was always verrry clean."

Sexy Swashbuckler
Appease the pirate within by filling her up with rum punch, the more

mixing of different liquors, the better the evening's outcome. You already know she likes sword play, and she's used to roughing it on the high seas. "Oops! I can't believe I told you where my treasure is buried!"

Playboy Bunny
Definitely the pinkish-hued cosmopolitan for a glamorous girly girl whose big dreams are of centerfold status. They don't discriminate based on age, but they will be looking at your watch and shoes. "Oh my god! I didn't know they gave out awards for THAT!"

Dirty Cop
After a hard day of handcuffing, get her a really dirty martini 'cuz cops take it straight. And sometimes they even take it out of the evidence closet, you may want to ask about that. "Oh don't worry, I have more than one pair of handcuffs."

Happy Halloween!

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