We're just going put it out there: it's not always the thought that counts. That's just what people say when they're totally pissed.
Moms are the prime example of this idea. You got her a new set of bakeware, but little does your sorry ass know, she's not interested anymore in hanging around the oven to make sure your favorite casserole isn't burning.
"Aw, sweetie, it's the thought that really counts."
Wrong!
Here are ten gift ideas that are off limits for Mother's Day. Allow the elimination of these ten to ease and narrow your search for the perfect gift.
10. Bottle of wine and The Client List
Listen, gift baskets are awesome. They're like a goodie bag of five useless things and two good things. But sometimes, they just make you look stupid. No mother is interested in a gift basket of her favorite bottle of Pinot Noir and Season One of The Client List. Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs might be awesome, but mom doesn't care. You might as well take her to a fancy dinner at a strip club (we hear they have great lobster!)
9. Homemade beauty products
News flash: Mom does not care about your entrepreneurial endeavors at this point in her life. You've been out of the house for ten years, and quite frankly, she's enjoyed that her days have less of your bullshit. That means she's not interested in your homemade facial rejuvenator with oatmeal and honey. Or your coffee-grinds skin exfoliator. If mom wanted that, she'd go grocery shopping. So be prepared for her to figure out your undertone that she needs a facelift.
8. Sugar-free candies and a pair of Spanx
Mom doesn't need reminding that her muffin top got a little wider with a gifted pair of Spanx. The added bonus of sugar-free candies doesn't help you either. It's like saying, "hey, mom, you could shed a few, but don't worry, I totally have your sweet tooth covered, see?" That's asking for a warranted slap in the face.
7. Bottle of grape seed oil and Garnier hair dye kit
Yep, we're bringing back the gift basket idea again. We just want to make sure if you're going to make one, you don't screw it up. For starters, moms never want to hear that they need to look younger. Buying her fancy Garnier hair dye (no doubt to hint she needs it) and adding a bottle of "Grape seed oil" to play it off like you're concerned about her pantry goods isn't going to cut it. She'll make the connection from the countless Garnier commercials she's seen on TV highlighting they use the oil in their products. Momma ain't no fool, son.
6. Bottle of Miami flavored Absolut
Mother does not want to get her drink on. Plain and simple.
5. Bacon flavored lube
As much as mom confides in you that's she's ready to get back out on the dating scene, that doesn't give you the green light to help her go about it. That rules out bacon lube, or any product like it. Mom is a big girl, she can handle herself and she doesn't need that sweet daughter she raised to hand over a bottle of pork-based... porking product for Mother's Day. Let mom's friends tread those waters, instead.
4. A bottle of fine Cuban rum and a Pepe Billete PLP tee
That's nice that you took a sweet vacation to Cuba and all, but smuggling in a bottle of rum and throwing in a Pepe Billete T-shirt is likely the last thing she could fake a smile for on Mother's Day. Mama is more likely to whip out her chancleta and chase you around la casa for even fathoming the thought that she'd don a tee insinuating anything about pinga.
3. Bacon baby formula
Unless you're telling her that she needs to channel her inner Paula Deen, y'all, bacon baby formula is an absolute no-no. Even new moms aren't (we should hope, at least) crazy enough to start a pork craze before a baby even learns to walk. If you want to help the new mommy with formula, stick to the regular stuff. Not the stuff that leads to statistics. That's just the kind of thing you see on World's Worst Moms.
2. Candy lingerie
This is wrong on so many levels, and if anyone out there were seriously considering the help- ma-spice-up-her-sex-life approach, you shouldn't be allowed to walk out your door on Sunday. Mom is not the person to whom you gift candy panties. It doesn't matter that she has a sweet tooth and a sense of humor.
1. Gift card to Chili's
It doesn't matter how gift-stupid you are, the line "oh, I'll just get her a gift card to Chili's" is never the answer. It doesn't matter that she loves their margaritas. And it doesn't matter that your money's been tight, so a $25 gift card was the best you could come up with. Hallmark makes really good, tear-jerking Mother's Day cards for $3.49. Now you don't have an excuse.
Follow Short Order on Facebook and Twitter @Short_Order.
