Every year we say we're not going to celebrate Valentine's Day. After all, it makes singles feel bad for being single and couples feel worse for not being over-the-top romantics. Then we break down and buy candy hearts and make reservations for overpriced champagne dinners.
Since you're probably like us, you're getting suckered into celebrating V-Day. The least we can do is remind you that certain foods are off-limits if you want your hyped-up, expensive dinner to end in a goodnight kiss ... or more!
10. Spinach or Olive Tapanade
Here's the picture. You're out on your romantic Valentine's date, love is in the air. He makes a joke and you smile your biggest smile -- revealing green stuff stuck in between every single tooth. Spinach may be a wonder food, but it also magically sticks between your teeth. And even if you manage to not look like swamp thing, there's always that moment when a big hunk of Popeye's favorite dish is lodged between your molar, causing you to make insane fish faces as you try to suck the offending leaf out. Bad choice, sailor.
9. Lobster or Crabs
Sure it's expensive, but how stupid (and weak) will you look when you can't crack open that lobster. Plus there's the idiotic bib that you have to wear and, unless you and your date have some Oedipus complex, you might not want to be seen as a baby. Let's not forget bits of shell acting as projectile weapons. A dangerous V-Day dinner in more ways than one.
8. Ribs or Wings
There's a small group of people who think watching a girl eat ribs is sexy. Something very cave-woman/primitive we're guessing. But unlike the above photo of Padma Lakshmi, most humans only get the sauce on their hands and face, and really look more like Fred Flintstone. We're also thinking you may not want that delicious smoky barbeque sauce on your Prada shirt or Armani dress. Just saying.
7. Veal/Foie Gras/Shark Fin Soup
Even if your date ordered her steak extra rare, that doesn't mean she doesn't have some soft spot for politically incorrect meat. Valentine's Day is not the time to find out whether she's ever protested the meat industry for the use of baby animals or endangered species. It doesn't matter how much you want the milk-fed veal chop, go with the turkey or catfish or some other animal that's really ugly. Because the surest way to kill the mood is having your date quote PETA President Ingrid Newkirk.
6. Indian Curry and Mexican Food
There are a few reasons to steer clear of curry on your hot date. One is the fact that unless you like smelling like the spice aisle at Fresh Market for the rest of the evening, you're going to reek of curry for a long time. Two is the possible freakout that your lower intestines can have about an hour after your dinner. Goes double for the burrito combo, amigo.
5. Super Spicy Food
We love spicy food, but that's probably best left to lunch with friends. Sweating, crying, and having snot come out of your nose after eating those wings marinated in scotch bonnet and ghost peppers might be funny to your frat buddies -- not to your girlfriend.
Come on! Didn't you learn this in elementary school? He who dealt it will not get laid tonight!
What can vampires and humans finally agree on? The fact that garlic is repulsive.And don't give us that "if we both eat it, it gets cancelled out" crap. That argument might work for onions, but garlic stays in the bloodstream, meaning you're going to be reminded of what you ate in bed ... long after you've used half a bottle of Listerine. That's why vampires (and hot girls) loathe it so much!
2. Fast Food
It should go without saying that if you take your gal to Taco Bell on a date, you don't deserve to get laid. This rule also applies if you're the kind of guy who actually stops at the drive-thru for a "snack" either before or after your nice meal. If you're that much of a glutton, stop dating humans and date a bucket of chicken.
We don't mean don't drink at all. After all, what's a celebratory meal without a nice Champagne toast or a shared bottle of good wine? What we're talking about is having that second martini before the wine that leads to asking the sommelier if he has any Jagermeister hidden in the wine cellar. Nobody likes a sloppy drunk on Valentine's Day.
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