If there's one night of the year when you don't mind making out with a virtual stranger or giving up that cold pillow, Valentine's Day is it.
If I had a dollar for every time a guy has taken me to the Room, I could buy the place. So don't go to the obvious or borderline-creepy spots on V-Day. Eliminate places that blatantly scream, "I'm trying to get laid and I'm not afraid to show it." In other words, skip Prime 112.
Instead, go for the subtle and endearing places that will do and say what you can't and won't hold you back from being yourself.
Whether you're trying to close the deal, pick up something fresh, or find your soul mate, we've rounded up the ten best dining establishments where love (or lust) will most likely happen.
See also: Miami's Best Food Instagrams
10. American Social
On the hunt for some prime college stuff? Look no further than Brickell's newest watering hole. Sure, the place might be chock full of garnet-and-gold-clad FSU fans and alum, but if any group knows how to party like coeds, it's the ladies from Tally. So buy a round of shots and use your best (or worst) pick-up lines; as long as you show up and you're not a total douche (keep your shirt on at all times and don't start any fights), there's a pretty good chance you'll leave with some company that isn't ready for the night to end.
9. Rum Line
Every time guy friends ask me where they should take a girl and I say, "Rum Line," they have no idea what I'm talking about. To which my response is always, "That's the point." The tucked-away alfresco Caribbean-inspired oasis at the Loews isn't a hot spot -- it's a hideaway. Bring that potential SO here and get up close and personal in one of the rattan love seats. Ask her about her dreams and inspirations as you gaze at the stars while contemplating the meaning of life (always works); then order the Tug Boat. Not only will she be impressed that you can take charge, but she'll also love the ceramic skull in which the drink is served. She'll down the 140-proof rum cocktail like water. Just make sure barkeep Rob Ferrara stays behind the bar. Otherwise, he might steal your spotlight.
If you want MILFs, Seaspice is the place to fish. Regardless of whether you ride solo or arrive with someone on your arm, the odds of going home alone are low. It might have something to do with the celebrity pedigree this restaurant attracts (Victoria's Secret models choose this spot as their one meal while in Miami) or the tempting water views accompanied by an ultra-pricey dinner (feed her oysters). But perhaps the best day for hitting a home rum at Seaspice is Sunday, when the riverside stunner takes Funday to a whole other level. We hear there's a plethora of fine-looking cougars ready to party.
7. Hyde Beach
Hyde is bursting with talent that's not too tough to take home. It's located inside the SLS hotel, so the place is sexy, swank, and posh (just like the lassies who go there). While most of the ladies here have an agenda (LIV is up next), they're still pretty thirsty, so it's worth taking your best shot at the bar. For an even better success rate, hit up the pool parties when females are thirsty, wet, and half-naked. If you have a hard time closing then, it might be you, buddy.
Miami is filled with beautiful people, but Bardot seems to be the place where they all congregate. The music is loud at this drinking lounge that's darker than outer space, so there's only drinking and dancing. Play the part with a drink in hand and hit on someone you wouldn't mind spending the night with. If you get shot down, at least she won't remember what you look like next time.
5. 27 Restaurant & Bar at the Freehand Miami Hostel
There's just something about 27 that's irresistible. The two-story cottage is oozing with cool. This is the kind of place that says, "I really want to get to know you." All you need are a couple of Miso Horny old-fashioneds. And because it's all family-style food here, you'll be able to spoon-feed her a few times during dinner. First you'll fill the tummy; then take her upstairs to 27 bar, where the cool factor increases, specifically in the '70s psychedelic den lit by a lava lamp. This is where you'll find out if she's an advocate of free love, which if she is, good thing you're in the backyard of a hostel. And if she's not, good thing you're still in the backyard of a hostel (lots of foreigners).
4. The Regent
Be a proper gentleman and take her to a proper cocktail bar where they serve only (wait for it) proper cocktails. If there were ever a place to spark intimate and creative conversation, this throwback to the Roaring '20s fused with the Mad Men-era '50s is certainly it. Order yourself a classic julep and surprise her with a witch's brew -- it's a love potion. Once you've both loosened up a bit, you might want to head down to Rec Room, where you'll get one step closer to sealing the deal.
3. Drawing Room
You can slurp aphrodisiacs at raw bars all over town, but Drawing Room proffers libations laden with the substance. Mad scientist/pharmacist/mixologist Albert Trummer acts as Cupid. His bow and arrow are bottled magical elixirs and potables. Every cocktail has a story and a purpose. You'll want to go for any of the stimulants, euphoric enhancers, or aphrodisiacs, like the aptly named Deal Closer, infused with Chinatown aphrodisiacs. You're welcome.
From the mood-altering elevator that takes you up to the highest floor of an architectural gem, to the exotic live-plant wall and sprawling views of South Beach, Juvia is the ultimate panty-dropper. A trinity of French, Peruvian, and Japanese cookery, this is a place to be seduced by the food, the company, and the environment. It's costly, though, so make sure you mean business, and if you do, the elevator ride down is the perfect place to go to first base and sweep her off her feet. Just make sure you're the only two in there.
1. Whole Foods
Getting laid is nice, but you know what feels even better? Falling in love. Believe it or not, Whole Foods is the place to make both of those happen. First of all, every aisle at Whole Foods includes women wearing spandex. And they would all just love to retell the story of how they met their boyfriend or the father of their kids at the organic marketplace. So next time you're feeling for the perfect tomatoes or participating in a cheese tasting, ask the chick in Lululemons next to you if she gets that nuttiness from the Swiss. For all you know, she might just be the one. Skeptical? Just last year, a local couple got engaged at Whole Foods Coral Gables after having met in the checkout line a few years earlier and realized they were bananas for each other. Here's the video (#foodporn):
Follow Carla on Twitter @ohcarlucha
Follow us on Facebook at Miami New Times Food & Drink.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.