We at Short Order take great pleasure in offering you the top options for Valentine's Day and the most affordable ones, too. But what we really get a kick out of is giving you the worst options - because those are often the most insane, hilarious, and outright brilliant.
We don't discourage doing something "different" on V-Day with your sweetheart - in fact, we're all for it. Besides, doesn't it all boil down to what gets you in the sack that night?
Behold the five worst places to take a date on Valentine's Day. If he or she still loves you by the end of these five dates, you've got yourself a real keeper.
5. A strip club
Hey, listen, everyone likes a gal who isn't afraid to be around booby tassels and dollar-bill-shooting crevices. But when it comes to Valentine's Day date night... rules are rules. It's kind of an unspoken rule that you just don't step within 15 feet of Candy Heart and her stripper sisters. The strip joint isn't the place for you and the potential mother of your children. Leave that for your buddy's bachelor party in Vegas.
4. All you can eat Chinese buffet
Don't get it wrong -- we love us some good lo mein and unlimited sweet tea, just not on what's supposed to be the most romantic night of the year. Really, guys? The worst part about this option is that it's probably not too far off the last minute panic solution list. Don't do it. Unless of course, you just don't like her. In that case, you eat - you go home.
3. Taco Bell drive-thru (and assorted fast food places)
We know, times are tough. Though we can't help but note that a sappy $3.25 card from Hallmark's Valentine's Day collection is worth more than anything on the value menu at Taco Bell. If you intend on keeping your little birdie, steer clear of anything that has a drive-thru. That includes McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and so on. Screw the value meal if one of these is your last option. Go with a nice card and an explanation that Short Order warned you not to take her out for V-Day drive-thru.
2. Casa de In-Laws
Ben Stiller's character Gaylord "Greg" Focker taught us that we have to walk on egg shells around our in-laws at all times - just to be on the safe side. It's bad enough that your loins will be throbbing during your Valentine's Day dinner but it would be a thousand times worse if you're having a "nice" couples dinner with her folks. Play sick. Say no. Do something to avoid it. There couldn't be a more awkward Valentine's Day date. Oh, wait...
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Don't do it... It'll be your last supper with her, for sure.