Sandra Lee's Ten Most Epic Holiday Fails

Sandra Lee: Satan's spawn or hapless purveyor of crap television? We're not sure.

On one hand, this drunken Barbie could very well be the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it, with her semihomemade recipes, really bad background music, and boozy interludes.

On the other hand, Lee could just be the real face of middle Americans who long to be as crafty as Martha Stewart, as witty as Anthony Bourdain, and as talented as Bobby Flay but, sadly, just wind up bleaching their hair and opening a can of soup.

As annoying as Sandra Lee is throughout the year, the holidays are a special time for her. It's only once a year that she can hot-glue candy to Styrofoam, add vodka to rum to bourbon to butterscotch schnapps, and break out the Hanukkah and Kwanzaa cakes. Because humiliation knows no religion.

10. Noel Cupcakes

OMG! It runs in the family. Not only is Lee a shameless whore for Betty Crocker, but also her little niece gets in on the act by demonstrating how you too can turn a perfectly good store-bought cupcake into an abysmal sack of excrement.

9. Santa's Sleigh Cocktail

We're not sure why this frozen drink is called Santa's sleigh ride; we just know that if you left this for old Saint Nick, he'd be arrested for SUI — sleighing under the influence.

8. Candy Tree

Wow! How f**king lazy do you have to be to pin Life Savers onto a piece of Styrofoam and call it a decoration? We call it stupid. And dangerous. (Can you imagine a bunch of kids swallowing the pins? We smell a lawsuit.)

7. Candied Yam Soufflé

Soufflé? What would this peroxide princess of prepackaged crap know about soufflé? Not much when the recipe calls for dumping a can of yams into a bowl, mashing them, and topping them with marshmallow fluff.

6. Sandra's Lush Lagoon

This Grinch-colored drink recipe calls for kiwi fruit, two shots of vodka, then one shot of vodka, then one shot of vodka, then one shot of melon liqueur. Shake, drink, and wake up with a face tattoo in a bathtub in Thailand. Merry Grinchmas.

5. Aunt Sandy's Silent Night

We finally figured out why this cheap piña colada copy is called a Silent Night: At Aunt Sandy's, no one can hear you scream.

4. Sandra Lee's Hanukkah Cake

Why should only Christians suffer? We love Sandra's recipe for Hanukkah cake, which is basically the same for all of her baked goods: Buy a premade cake and frost it with canned icing mixed with toxic food coloring. This time, Sandy apparently was in her blue period, so she made a Hanukkah cake. We like her reminder that the plastic pearls at the bottom of this piece of dreck aren't edible. Not that the rest of the cake is either.

3. Chocolate Yule Log

You know those giant Swiss rolls? Well, take one, slather it in icing, and — voila! — chocolate yule log. In Sandy's World, icing is a witness protection program for cake. Use it and forever change its original identity.

2. Sandra Lee's Holiday Cocktail Party

Giant nutcrackers, a booze-soaked hostess, and a tree decorated with empty bottles and used glasses. Need we say more?

1. Kwanzaa Cake
Yes, friends. This is the infamous Kwanzaa cake. Watch how Lee sets back race relations about a hundred years as she puts pie filling and frosting on an angel food cake and sticks giant red, black, and green candles in the muck. By far her most epic fail to date.

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Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times. She has been featured on Cooking Channel's Eat Street and Food Network's Great Food Truck Race. She won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature about what it's like to wait tables.
Contact: Laine Doss