| Opinion |

No Eating Human Fetuses, Says Senator Ralph Shortey

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There have been plenty of f'd up news stories coming out of South Florida, but the more and more I read about wampeters, granfalloons, and nut bags that make up the rest of our country, I start to think that it may, after all, be safe to drink the water.

Freshman Senator Ralph Shortey (R-Oklahoma City), has introduced a bill banning the use of human fetuses in food.

I know what you're thinking. "I've been eating human fetuses? Were they low-carb?"

The reason that you were not aware of eating human fetuses is simple -- you have not been eating human fetuses. There is no recorded data to indicate that human fetuses have ever been used in food production.

The senator himself acknowledges that he does not know of any company adding baby formula to its products, but according to his 'internet research' determined that creating the bill was necessary. This is why a little information can be a bad thing and monkeys should not be allowed near computers.
Sen. Shortey wants to raise "public awareness" and give an "ultimatum to companies" about an issue that does not exist. Now, I know that the minds running this country aren't exactly sharp, but no one can be this stupid.

Which led me to think that the freshman senator may not be a few sandwiches Shortey of a picnic basket, he may be a political mastermind.

By "saving" us from something that does not exist, he becomes a hero without having to actually do anything. Imagine your Crazy Uncle Tony waking everybody up in the middle of the night and ushering them outside because of the raging fire not burning throughout the house. Yay! Thanks, Crazy Uncle Tony! You saved us from the non-existent fire!

And you can just imagine what Shortey would say if any legislator tried to stop the inane waste of time that his bill will turn out to be.

"So, what you're saying then Senator, is that you want companies to make their food products out of dead, innocent babies?"

And of course, again he would look like the hero while the senator with common sense is made to look like an evil, fetus-eating scrotum.

I think that Sen. Brian Crain (R-Tulsa) stated it best. "We don't need to go looking for possible challenges that may come about sometime in the future... I'd hate to think we're going to spend our time coming up with possibilities of things we need to stop."

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to convince my insurance agent to add Godzilla and fireball protection to my car insurance policy.

Follow Short Order on Facebook and Twitter @Short_Order.

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