Miami Monkey: Ten Things We Learned From Last Night's Show

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Here's hoping you've been watching Miami Monkey.

We've been following for many reasons. Obviously, we're into the fact that the show revolves around a Miami Beach bar and Big Ang Raiola, the Mob Wife who owns the place.

Then, obviously, there's the whole Staten Island vs. Miami girls theme. And, frankly, we're not sure who we're rooting for yet -- especially when the Miami bartenders are such an obvious hot mess, they make team SI look like classy sorority sisters.

But, there's a wisdom in this show that we frankly don't normally experience in reality television -- seriously! These girls might as well be Buddhist monks (OK Buddhist monks who guzzle tequila) for all the life lessons they share on this show. Don't believe us? Here are the ten things we learned in last evening's episode.

See also: Miami Monkey: Big Ang's Boob-a-Licious Bar Opens on Ocean Drive

10. Apparently F**k Buddy Needs to Be Toned Down for Television

When Cristina hangs out with Nate, she tells him she likes his vibe. And, instead of running like a gazelle from the jaws of a hungry leopard when the tatted-up bartender/DJ tells her he's not into relationships, she says, "You have this vibe that I really, really like," then offers to be "fun buddies". Fun -- as in mini golf? We don't think so.

9. OTC Cold Medication is an Aphrodisiac

When Ryan is sick in bed, Nate comes over with a bag of cold medicine. While that would score points normally, the cute gesture gets all smarmy when it turns into a sex-fueled escapade. Sure Nyquil can work as well as a few cocktails, but don't you want to wait until your potential hook-up won't cough up a lung while you're making out?

8. Before a Photo Shoot, Make Sure Your Teeth Are Glued In

Tooth implants and caps are even more prevalent than boob implants these days. So, before any photo shoot, make sure your teeth are firmly in place or you'll suffer the fate of Big Ang, who has to get down on all fours to find the tooth that shot out of her mouth -- all while a photog is there to catch the moment.

7. The Secret to Eternal Youth is Cigars and Espresso Martinis

Big Ang tells Morgan that she worked 24 hours a day, had two kids, and partied when she was her age, to which Morgan replies she's just a "lazy 23". At 53, Big Ang is still working and, apparently, partying, as she lights up a cigar and downs a few espresso martinis at Deco Drive Cigars on Lincoln Road. The key to eternal youth? Maybe, maybe not. But it's a lot cheaper than a vial of botox.

6. Dogs Can Catch Herpes From Your Drunk, Slutty Friends

When Cristina shows up to the "monkey house" for a party, she starts loving on the dog. Roxanne quips he's going to get herpes now. Of course, the ASPCA say canine herpes is different than human herpes and that we can't catch theirs and they can't catch ours -- but why risk it? Yet another reason why you shouldn't smooch the pooch.

5. Giant Boobs = Job Security

Sure the economy is still in the tanker and you stormed out of your promising position as "lead monkey" because you lost the $7,000 ring you carelessly left lying around. Don't panic, dahling. Because of your talent (talent in this case meaning 34 DD's), your job will be waiting for you whenever you decide to return. Our advice? Forget that masters degree you've been working on and buy some boobs with your tuition money. As long as you're in Miami or Staten Island, they'll always be a bartender gig waiting for you at the Monkey!

4. Do Not Attempt a Paddle Board Threeway

Not only is inviting two girls on a paddle boarding date in bad form, but you're just asking to get whacked in the head with said paddle when things don't work out right (and they won't, trust us.) What could have been a fun afternoon canoodling on the water turns into a trip to the ER with a concussion and/or someone calling you a jerkoff. Nate Ryan, we're talking to you, buddy.

3. What Do You Call a Drunk Monkey? A Slopapotamous!

That's what Morgan calls Big Ang (and Cristina) when they get wasted. But we're sure it's the best word ever for anyone who gets sloppy drunk. We are totally "borrowing" this new word next time we have to call an intervention on someone -- as in, "Hey Bunny. You've got to tone down those Patron shots, girlfriend. Last night you became a Slopapotamous, made out with some strange dude and threw up on your shoes. Not cool."

2. Don't Get Mad -- Get Them Drunk

When Roxanne and Ryan want to get back at Cristina for stealing Nate from them, they offer the clueless girl a few (like six) shots. As Cristina gets into "Slopapotamous" territory, the other girls are fine. Can Staten Island girls really hold their booze? Nah. They were drinking water while giving their rival real alcohol. Sometimes it's fun being the only sober person in the room.

1. Before Visiting your Husband in Prison -- Spray Tan!

You want to look good for your husband when you visit him in the "big house", don't you? We suggest a full spray tan and a pretty pink outfit (stay away from the orange for obvious reasons). As for the Brazilian wax? Skip it until those conjugal visits are approved.

Follow Laine Doss on Twitter @LaineDoss and Facebook.

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