Food News

Miami Monkey: Ten Things We Learned About Pool Party Etiquette

Once again, the girls of Miami Monkey surprise us with their Solomon-like wisdom. That is, of course, if the biblical king drank Patron and had "work" done.

Last night's episode revolved around Big Ang's pool party and the problems that ensued. Luckily, the girls teach us valuable lessons for what to do and what not to do when having a watery affair. Listen straight up, bitches...these girl Monkeys are gonna teach you a thing or two.

See also: Miami Monkey: Big Ang's Boob-a-Licious Bar Opens on Ocean Drive

10. People are Just Water...Unless They're Booze.

You know the saying you are what you eat? According to Cristina, you're really what you drink. She schools us in a little basic bio-chemistry, telling us that humans are made up of 80% water..except for her. She's more like 60% alcohol and 20% water. Which is probably why once you "break the seal" at a bar, you'll have to pee all night.

9. Your Boobs Can be Used as a Floatation Device

Sure you paid $5,000 for that new rack. But think of all the money you'll save by not having to ever purchase water wings or an inflatable raft again. Just rethink the SCUBA classes. Probably not going to work out for ya.

8. Flirting is So Yesterday. Hook up and Get it Over With

There was a time when men "wooed" women with flowers and candy. In return, it could be weeks, even months before a fella got a kiss on the cheek. When Big Ang notices Nate and Cristina getting close in the pool, she tells them to just "do it already"...then creepily watches the action (and even gives some direction).

7. Always Adjust Your Junk When Exiting the Pool

This goes double after an especially hot make out session.

6. When You're Drunk and the Alcohol is Flowing..What Can You Do?

Marissa, feeling renewed from her trip to New York to visit hubby in the slammer, is the only person to come to Cristina's defense. Sure, the girl is a hot, sloppy mess (a slopapotamous, if you will), but "when you're drunk and the alcohol is flowing, what can you do?" Apparently, drink some water and regain your dignity is not on the table.

5. Even if You Don't Remember What You Did When you're Drunk...Everyone Else Will!

Plus, they will clue you in to all your bad behavior including stealing a bottle of tequila from your boss and having "soft porn" near-sex in a pool with a co-worker.

4. When Your Boss Throws a Party - You Go!

Look, no one actually looks forward to corporate picnics and holiday parties. The boss usually drinks too much and tries to pal up to you, and there's always that uncomfortable moment when you find yourself at the bar with the one person you don't get along with. But you go to be a team player. And you especially make an attempt to show up if your boss is Big Ang. And if you really can't show, use a good excuse like a burst appendix or an emergency heart transplant instead of Morgan's "I don't have the time to hang with a bunch of gremlins from New York."

3. Fried Calamari Brings People Together

They say that opposites attract, but wouldn't you rather have things in common with your potential life partner? When Nate and Cristine meet at Van Dyke Cafe for a drink (and for Cristina to be filled in on whether there was actual water-based sex in that pool), they both choose the fried calamari at the same time. Who needs roses when you have squid?

2. Models are Better Than Squid

Even though squid (and Patron) are proven aphrodisiacs, true love is no match for a model. Especially when that model can barely speak English, is six feet tall, and doesn't have frequent booze-induced blackouts. Ladies, be forewarned: drunk make out sessions and fried seafood do not lead to a relationship.

1. If You Grab a Staten Island Girl..Be Prepared to Shank Her (Or Be Shanked Yourself)

When some random guy grabs Ryan at a bar and asks her to dance, she gives him serious attitude. Marissa, however, warns the fiery blonde that you have to be careful. "You don't know these guys. They could throw a drink in your face...or shank you. You can't fight with men. What are you gonna do when someone clocks you?" We're going to listen to Marissa (who's husband is in prison for manslaughter) on this one. Just walk away girls...just walk away...or be prepared to "whack" or get "whacked".

Follow Laine Doss on Twitter @LaineDoss and Facebook.

Follow Short Order on Facebook , on Twitter @Short_Order, and Instagram @ShortOrder.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times. She has been featured on Cooking Channel's Eat Street and Food Network's Great Food Truck Race. She won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature about what it's like to wait tables.
Contact: Laine Doss