Being a grown up is rough. You're held accountable for everything, you have these awful things called "responsibilities," and everyone wants you to give them money -- all the time.
It ain't easy.
That being said, it's important to satisfy your inner child this time of year. Get dressed up, take the tots trick-or-treating, have a little fun. Tell your neighbors to leave the big Snickers bars for the kids. We want booze. And cash-money. And sex.
Unless by "candy," you mean "candy."
Money
Jessie J had it all wrong. It's all about the money, money. Unless you're rolling in the dough, your first thought when trick-or-treating with the kids is, "what am I supposed to do with these pennies?" And that's a valid question. What are you supposed to do with all those pennies? Hundred dollar bills are far more practical.
iPhone 5s
What's that? You want the new iPhone 5? Join the club.The least the rich neighbors can do is pass these out on Halloween. It's important they only pass them on to the adults with plastic pumpkins. The kids won't know what to do with them.
Drugs
For the record, we don't condone the use of illegal substances. We also don't think all of you out there are saints -- especially during such a festive time like Halloween. Sure, the kids get all hyped because they get to be someone from their imagination wonderland. But for some adults, it's their chance to "dress up" like their inner crack head.
Bacon
Seeing as there may be a soon-coming bacon apocalypse, it's probably wise to stock up now. Children stock up on a year's worth of calories during Halloween. Grown ups have already out-grown their sweet tooth, so when we're not drinking our calories, we're eating them -- by way of bacon. You know your face would light up brighter than Christmas if someone dumped a bucket's worth of bacon in your Halloween pale. Tell us we're wrong.
Liquor
Speaking of drinking calories, liquor companies make those little fun-size bottles for a reason. Adult-themed Halloween is probably one of them. If you think about it, you could probably fit about 25 of those mini-liqs comfortably in a regular-sized pumpkin bucket. Someone test the theory our and get back to us. You might even be able to fit 30. Let us know.
Condoms
All kidding aside, people born in June have probably always thought of the possibility that they were a "Halloween scare" for Mom and Dad. Don't let your potential child be a Halloween scare. Adults need reminders to be safe all the time. While the kids get their favorite candy on Halloween, adults often get their favorite chlamydia. Rough!
Porn Flicks
Speaking of chlamydia, every now and then, it would be nice if people passed on a recommended flick. No, not those flicks. We're talking about porn flicks. Whether you're shy about it or not, discreet packaging would be an awesome way to deliver porn movies to adults on Halloween. If you're lucky, you'll get a house that's giving twofers -- the weenie wrap and the flick.
Happy hunting.
Follow Alex on Twitter @ARodWrites.
Follow Short Order on Facebook and Twitter @Short_Order.
