Heidi Montag, Danielle Staub, and Ashley Dupre to Launch VH1 "Celebrity" Food/Reality Show

In the infinite wisdom of television executives and snake oil salesmen, VH1 has created a new reality series that links the two subjects Americans are most interested in: food and big personalities.

In the new show, Famous Food, so-called celebrities such as Heidi Montag, The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub, The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka, "singer" Ashley Dupré, and The Sopranos' Vincent Pastore launch a restaurant. Does anyone else smell a future Famous Food/Kitchen Nightmares crossover episode?

It is so very amusing how the people promoting the shows call these losers celebrities. Real celebrities don't need their names qualified -- such as Burn After Reading's Brad Pitt, or John Travolta from Get Shorty. People know real celebrities by name. The only person who comes close to being a celebrity in the aforementioned troop of nincompoops is the guy from The Sopranos. And, although we hate to say it, Heidi Montag.

Oh, we forgot to mention that two of the guys from rap outfit Three 6 Mafia will also be in the show. Let's hope their involvement results in a drive-by shooting at the restaurant, causing the show to get cancelled in its first week.

In honor of Famous Food, we propose a prophetic synopsis of the first episode:

When the group tries to decide the restaurant's décor, it is discovered that Heidi Montag does not know her primary colors. Ashley Dupré writes a song about the color wheel to help Heidi learn the difference between red, yellow, and blue. Danielle Staub ridicules the song and Heidi's nose job, leading the guys from Three 6 Mafia to smash Staub's kneecaps. Jake Pavelka delivers a single rose to Heidi while she is in the hospital. Vincent Pastore spends the entire episode on his cell phone threatening his agent.

The show should really be called Infamous Food.

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