Happy Birthday, Rachael Ray: Five Ways She Should Ring It In

See also Bourdain, Ray, Fieri's Six Most Obscene and Silly Moments.

Oh my gravy! Today marks the birthday of everyone's favorite uber-perky candy counter chick turned TV personality, Rachael Ray. The woman who Slate once said "may be the world's most reviled chef" is turning the big 4-4.

The New York native, who appropriately dubs herself "a cook, not a chef", is essentially the owner of an empire these days. From 300-thread count cotton sheets to Dunkin Donuts lattes, her endorsement has graced all kinds of questionable products.

But despite her many detractors, she keeps on truckin', sense of humor apparently intact, laughing off critics all the way to the bank.

So on this monumental occasion, we wanted to offer a few suggestions on how this little go-getter should celebrate. Rachel, these are for you:

5. C'mon, you must be ready for a break from the ever-present camera. How about putting someone else on the cover of your mag? Just cuz it's got your name on it, doesn't mean it always needs your face, too. Mix it up and give yourself a birthday break. Or, if you really wanna stick with your own mug, why not go the FHM-style route like the old days?

4. Invest in a laugh track. Your giggle is cute and all, but we could use a little variety now and then.

3. Send care packages to Anthony Bourdain and Martha Stewart stocked with donuts, Jif and Reddi-Whip. When hungry, and tired of endlessly concocting their flawless gourmet creations (nary a short-cut in sight), they'll undoubtedly appreciate your gesture. (Bourdain once called her Dunkin' Donuts endorsement equivalent to "endorsing crack for kids", and Stewart said "she's more of an entertainer".)

2. Enroll in a Community College writing course - or a cooking course, maybe? Whether a Ghostwriter penned your food tomes or not, they're still not exactly works of literary art. Recipes like "Fruity Chicken Curry in a Hurry" and "Boo-Soto" are a little less than compelling.

1. Yes, we like to poke fun as much as the next snarky pub, but in the end - you've got the name, the bucks, the worldwide fame - and the rest of us don't. If we were you, we'd leash up our rescue pups and let them poop on our detractor's lawns. Call it a birthday surprise.

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