| Columns |

Guy Fieri's Parody Menu Deserves a Revisit From NY Times' Pete Wells

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Somebody must have been on the receiving end of a misfired shot of Guy Fieri's Donkey Sauce and isn't too happy about. The food television personality and his team forgot to buy all of the web addresses that could be associated with his Times Square restaurant. Hilarity ensued.

It should really come as no shock that some troll bought GuysAmericanKitchenAndBar.com and created a menu (s)he believed worthy of the Mayor of Flavortown, and one we think deserves a revisit New York Times food critic Pete Wells.

Take for example Guy's Big Balls. A $26 plate of cheese offered with a side of wet naps for an additional $3.50.

"Snuggle up to two, four-pound Rice-A-Roni crusted mozzarella balls endangered with shaved lamb and pork and blasted with Guy's signature Cadillac Cream Sauce until dripping off the plate. Served nestled inside a tempura pickle, with a side of maximum-well-done duck skin."

Read also:
- New York Times Review of Guy Fieri's Restaurant Is a Snarky Must-Read

It's a "go big or go home" signature Guy dish, and after all who wouldn't want to hear what Wells and other Times staffers think about Guy's balls. Did you see how snarky they looked in that Page One documentary? You know, the one where they're trying to figure out what they and the rest of print media industry is going to do after spending the better part of two decades in some champagne-and-valium-induced coma pretending the Internet doesn't exist? We think perhaps the Sulzberger family, which owns the Times, can dip into their massive trove of wealth - or that of their Mexican sugar daddy Carlos Slim - and shill out a few bucks so Wells can drag former staffer and plagiarist Jayson Blair along with him for the new review. Maybe they can even bring Dick Cheney mouthpiece Judith Miller along for the ride.

These kinds of people are easy to accuse of being "East Coast Media Elites." So what better way for them to get in touch with all of those poor, poor souls in landlocked states than by digging into Football: The Meal? It's real simple: Warm, broken hamburgers served in a clear plastic bag enclosed in a larger, black trash bag, thrown at you from 40 yards.


Follow Short Order on Facebook, on Twitter @Short_Order, and Instagram @ShortOrder.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.