Today is the big day. No, it's not the day you'll finally move out of your parents' house. It's the day when Americans choose who gets to hang in the White House for four years.
Read Also:
- Obama Beer? The President's White House Honey Ale
- Here's What We Eat Should Mitt Win
- Election Day Dining Deals and Freebies From Villa Mayfair to Shake Shack
- Election Day Survival Kit Ten Things To Bring To The Polls
When you're voting, there are many issues to weigh. Some factors coming into play this time around include national security, education, job creation, civil rights, the economy, and whether you want a beer enthusiast or a teetotaler in the White House.
If Mitt Romney wins, expect four years of drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke (Mitt's favorite drink) and eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches, chased with peanut M&M's.If When Obama is re-elected break out the brewskis, because that means four more beers years in the White House. Even though the president's homebrew is not yet available for mass resale (though wouldn't it be great to market White House Honey Ale as a way to stimulate the economy?), we have a few suggestions on what to drink to celebrate Obama's win.
4. Rogue John John Dead Guy Ale
Because we couldn't find any Kennedy beer, this is the next best thing. We'd like to think that if John John Kennedy didn't die in a plane crash, he would have carried on the family legacy to run for the highest office -- maybe even starting out as running mate for Barack Obama. Either way, this ale pays tribute to America's political royalty.
3. Lukcy Basartd by Stone Brewing
When Obama wins, there might be some bitterness. Some might say the election was rigged; some might say it was stolen. But whatever you call it, that lucky bastard Obama (or "lukcy basartd") will spend four more years in some sweet-looking public housing.
2. Fire Rock Pale Ale by Kona Brewing
Can't you just see a young Barack Obama surfing the waves in Hawaii and then grabbing a beer as the sun sets on the Pacific? This ale is the color of a Hawaiian sunset, perfect for a toast to the only president we've ever seen wearing flowered board shorts.
1. Entitlement Porter by Blue Point Brewery
Blue Point Brewery has crafted a small-batch brew inspired by the honey porter brewed at the White House. Brewed for the 47 percent, this beer is already a collector's item (just like those "Romney for President" campaign buttons will become tomorrow morning).
Birther Bonus: Tusker
Hey, Mr. Trump? We're talking to you and the pet you keep on your head. We know you'll probably go all birther on us tomorrow, claiming the election should be voided because Obama never showed you his passport and college records (because, apparently, a birth certificate isn't good enough for you). Because we don't have the technology to make you a time machine so you can go back to the moment Barack's mother pushed him out of the womb in Hawaii (and so we can smash the machine, leaving you in 1961), we suggest taking a time out with an ice-cold Tusker. Brewed in Nairobi, this is the closest you'll ever come to getting your hands on something Kenyan. Now listen to Barbara Walters and shut up -- you're fired.
Follow Laine Doss on Twitter @LaineDoss and Facebook.
Follow Short Order on Facebook and Twitter @Short_Order.
