Food News

Five Stoli Losers Who Wouldn't Drink With Themselves

Stolichnaya, the famous Russian vodka, is hunting for the next Stoli Original. The theme: "Would You Have a Drink With You?" To win, all you have to do is submit an audition tape online. The public will then vote on which video has the most "flavor." The winner will be announced on December 14. He or she will not only appear in 2011 digital advertisements, but will also win $25,000.

In the ad campaign's honor, Short Order has compiled a list of people who would never agree to

have a drink with themselves. Call em self-loathers, teetotalers or just plain dirtballs, they just couldn't stand to get tanked in their own presence.

Woody Allen is the most obvious choice for self-loathing, pathetic, non-drinking buddy. He'd rather romp with the younger girls (like, say, 35 years younger and probably related) or cheat on girlfriends like Diane Keaton or Mia Farrow. (Remember Soon-Yi Previn?) He wouldn't even like himself if he had to take a toot with himself.

Mark Sanford, former Governor of South Carolina, is quite the magician. He disappeared with his Argentine lover, María Belén Chapur, without anyone knowing. Of course once he was discovered, he fell all over himself and became a blathering idiot. Hate to be the guy next to him at the bar while he's drunk, talking about where his "midlife crisis" went wrong. Nobody would drink with this guy. Definitely not himself.

George W. Bush used to

drink, and boy, we can only imagine that! However, since 1986 he has

sworn off alcohol, so he'd be a dud sipping on ginger ale. Moreover, can

you imagine having to listen to that Axis of Evil stuff all over again.

No? Well, imagine if you had to listen to yourself repeat all the vapid drivel this loser said in the Oval Office.

Naomi Campbell is one tough

cookie. She must be a mean drunk. Hell, she might be cute, but she

has beat people to a bloody pulp while sober. Can you imagine her

sitting alone in a bar drunk chatting with herself...then slugging and

choking herself. Yikes! Hmm, or maybe not yikes.

Mel Gibson is, we

really even have to say it? With his track record of blatant

homophobia, domestic violence, racism and not to forget, alcoholism, he

clearly wouldn't sit down with his Australian self. He just has to abuse

somebody else.

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Carissa Chesanek
Contact: Carissa Chesanek