In the past few months, we've noticed an alarming number of mistaken identity cases regarding tacos. Last October, Riptide told you about the drunk Florida man who handed over a taco when law enforcement asked him for identification. Yesterday, we told you about a man stabbing his passenger for mistaking a bag of harmonicas for a bag of tacos.
Clearly, the tacos in Florida are undergoing severe identity crises.
To further fuel this volcano of erupting mistaken identity taco cases, we've put together a list of five other things we Floridians may mistake for a taco.
Keep your hands off the buns and those soft shells, Florida, you'll be just fine.
5. Green Card
It's pretty bad to hand over a taco when a cop asks you for your license. However, it's quite another thing to hand over a taco when they ask you for your green card. This is the type of thing done only in the most dire of scenarios. Choose wisely whether you pick soft or crunchy.
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4. The Mayor
In January, a Connecticut mayor had 2,000 tacos delivered to his office after he said "I might have tacos" during an interview about the arrest of four cops accused of racially profiling Latino residents. Now, the situation itself is no laughing matter, but... the fantastic artwork that resulted from it is. Imagine Mayors Regalado or Bower in a hard taco shell. Both of em could use a little hot sauce.
3. Fine dining
We pride ourselves on continuously expanding our palates; breaking free from the torrential tourist downpour of shitty Caesar salads and grilled chicken sandwiches. The days of "safe" menus are moving further behind us everyday. However, as Floridians, we are known to lose our class from time to time. A taco is, without question, the farthest one can get from fine dining (sorry, Mercadito, it's not personal). A bottle of Veuve can't even make up for it.
2. Your ticket to Ultra Music Festival
1. A hat
It's hot in Florida. To cool down, we know cotton apparel breathes best. We know that parking our cars in the shade could mean the difference between branding the seatbelt buckle imprint on your leg or not. We also know that if we want the day to be productive, it's best to make our own shade, with a hat. Forbidding the sun's deadly UV rays from illuminating our cheeks... our hats are no joke. Though, a taco hat would be. It doesn't matter how drunk or high you are -- a taco is not meant to be a hat. Don't confuse the two, Florida. You'll just make us look worse.