Valentine's Day will soon be upon us and most of us will plan ahead and buy something sexy or yummy or beautiful for the one we love (or lust after). There are, however, a small minority of morons who wait for the last minute to stop at some 24 hour drug store to purchase whatever is enveloped in red on the way home from the strip club or sports bar. Crazy thing is, there's an entire industry of weird or dumb Valentine's Day products. The people who make these either have no taste either or think you're so desperate come February 14, you'll actually buy this crap.
Because every time one of these beauts squirts in your mouth, think of me.
Twilight Candy: Notice the wolf shaped Jake candies. Now if they had raspberry jelly inside, you've got yourself some fun.
Any candy with a rodent on it is just wrong.
A dog with lips? It's nice to see Hallmark embrace bestiality.
Fish chocolate? Ugh! (Though the "I'm not throwing you back" statement on the box is funny in a co-dependent way.)
Comparing your Valentine to a whale is never a good move.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.