Fish Chocolate and Dogs With Lips: Dumbest Valentine's Day Candy

Valentine's Day will soon be upon us and most of us will plan ahead and buy something sexy or yummy or beautiful for the one we love (or lust after). There are, however, a small minority of morons who wait for the last minute to stop at some 24 hour drug store to purchase whatever is enveloped in red on the way home from the strip club or sports bar. Crazy thing is, there's an entire industry of weird or dumb Valentine's Day products. The people who make these either have no taste either or think you're so desperate come February 14, you'll actually buy this crap.

Because every time one of these beauts squirts in your mouth, think of me.

Twilight Candy: Notice the wolf shaped Jake candies. Now if they had raspberry jelly inside, you've got yourself some fun.

Any candy with a rodent on it is just wrong.

A dog with lips? It's nice to see Hallmark embrace bestiality.

Fish chocolate? Ugh! (Though the "I'm not throwing you back" statement on the box is funny in a co-dependent way.)

Comparing your Valentine to a whale is never a good move.

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Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times. She has been featured on Cooking Channel's Eat Street and Food Network's Great Food Truck Race. She won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature about what it's like to wait tables.
Contact: Laine Doss