These are some of the funnies I've compiled for this column over the past year, but either they didn't fit in thematically or I just wasn't that crazy about them. Either way, gotta clear out the cupboard.
How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish, and pennies -- you've got to draw a line there. ~Marc Maron
Shake and shake the ketchup bottle. None'll come, and then a lot'll. ~Richard Armour
Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life. ~Dorothy Parker
Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one?
It's the one stamped "Idaho."
"Toward a better world I contribute my modest smidgen; I eat the squab, lest it become a pigeon."
If they like it, it serves four; otherwise six. ~Elsie Zussman
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.