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| Columns |

FFF: Fast Food, Tuna, and Turkey Bologna

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I was just walking down the street, and I saw this restaurant called McDonald's Express. Let's see if we can try to wrap our brains around this concept -- this is a McDonald's, only faster. So, obviously, the McDonald's corporation thinks there are people out there saying to themselves, 'God, I'd love to go to McDonald's, but who has the time?' ~Andy Borowitz

If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo. ~David Cross

If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna -- somebody needs to tell the turkeys, 'Man, just be yourself.' ~Mitch Hedberg

Fifty cents to use the pay toilets at Taco Bell. What's Taco Bell telling us when taking a dump is 50 cents, but a Fiesta Taco is 39 cents? What is that -- eat now, pay later? ~Kevin Kataoka

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

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Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.