Craigslist Restaurant Ads: Opera Singers and Thieving Meth Addicts

Every day every caliber of Miami restaurant heads to Craigslist to seek the help they need.

You can just as easily find the Genuine Hospitality Group staffing up for the onslaught of tourist season as you can a nameless Kendall pizza joint looking for a prep cook and dough stretcher.

It's a democratic forum. Companies offer their opportunities while anyone and everyone is free to pursue them. Yet if you stop driving like such a maniac and slow down to look a little closer, you'll find things are more interesting than they appear.

Dinner and a Show

It ain't easy to be an artiste. No worries, though, the Macaroni Grill has a starving singer's back. A Doral branch of the Italian chain restaurant, with the delicious hot rosemary bread at the start of each meal, is hosting auditions today for opera singers. Yes, opera singers. If you're the type of person who's into pop-up art and knowing about new artists before anyone else, than make sure you get yourself to that audition. It starts at two. Spectacles on a stick not included.

A Grand Adventure

If J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy was about a hobbit venturing to Mordor not to destroy an evil artifact but to work in a hellish kitchen with a one-eyed, black-skinned Gordon Ramsay this ad is how the story would begin. No doubt.

"If you know you are the person right for this grand journey, then please call for an appointment to be interviewed." I accept that burden and am ready for my interview with a thousand year old bearded kitchen wizard.

Recipe for Disaster

Have you ever seen Kitchen Impossible? It's the show on Food Network where Robert Irvine (you know the one with the British accent and the tiny head atop a giant body) plays a combination of a disappointed mother, and Mother Teresa. Each episode he finds some poor, filthy failing restaurant and through the power of magic and television gives it a second shot at life.

Whoever responds to this Couple Required for Family Type Restaurant" ad is destined to spend time with Irvine. It is our favorite ad of all.

"Well Robert, we really love food and cooking at home, so we figured we'd cash in a home equity loan and our kids' college savings to serve picadillo. It turns out we had no idea how to run our restaurant and our so-called business partner spent all of our money on meth then skipped out to the Keys!"

An Honest Day's Work

We have nothing but respect for strippers. After all Uncle Luke -- the Pied Piper of Butt Floss -- is a regulator contributor to our little corner of the Internet.

There's always a suspicious ad that could be for strippers, could be for hookers, but you can never be really sure.

"No experience required," the ad says, "you just need to love dancing and making cash... a lot of cash." That's not suspicious.

"There is no hourly or salary pay. All girls work for their owns tips. Every girl must pay $40 dollars house at the beginning, during or end of shift." Sounds a little bit like a strip club.

When it says "THIS IS NOT A STRIP CLUB" you know it's a strip club.

Classing It Up

Now the good folks at Lincoln Road's Meat Market know how to subtly objectify a woman.

"A high end, high energy South Beach restaurant is seeking experienced

Hostess/Models for hosting position. Ideal candidates should possess a warm

personality, style, and grace." Now that sounds like a nice girl. The kind of girl whose tuition and rent an investment banker on vacation might pay.

For more follow Zach on Twitter @ZachIsWeird.

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