Dear PETA,
I'm writing on behalf of everyone in the world who is fortunate enough to have a sense of humor. Last night I came across your letter to Dr. Len Lucero of Clermont, Florida -- an angel of a man -- one who took in a disabled pig and gave him a chance at a better life.
Of course, the fact that Dr. Lucero has provided a happy home for Chris P. Bacon isn't enough for your organization -- God forbid that someone other than a member of PETA get any credit for animal activism.
Your request that Dr. Lucero change the name of his pet pig to "Piggy" is as sad as your propaganda videos for unsuspecting and impressionable children.
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Your missive starts off innocently enough - perhaps you've realized that tactics such as throwing buckets full of red paint at people didn't help your cause, but rather exposed you for the narrow-minded flakes you are. The second paragraph in your letter states:
"Referring to this delightful, inspiring little fellow as "Chris P. Bacon" reinforces the notion that pigs are nothing more than meat machines, when, as you are pointing out, they are, in fact, determined, sensitive, intelligent individuals with unique personalities. You may know that research has shown that pigs are even smarter than dogs and rank higher on cognition tests than 3-year-old humans. Scientists have shown that pigs can play video games and are better at them than some primates. Most importantly, pigs feel pain and fear, just as dogs and cats do, and both the slaughterhouse and the harrowing trip to it cause them great distress."
Obviously, an intelligent and compassionate argument is not enough for a mere human such as Dr. Lucero to understand, so the following paragraph goes into graphic detail about the process of slaughtering animals, specifically pigs, in a transparent attempt to guilt Dr. Lucero into meeting your demand granting your request.
It's a joke, PETA. A funny one. A cute one. No one looks at that adorable pink snout and thinks of slicing him up and throwing bits of his flesh into a sizzling frying pan; that's why it's funny. Of course, an organization that takes itself so seriously that it finds a way to take issue with goatscaping -- the equivalent of inviting goats to an all-you-can-eat buffet -- is incapable of finding the humor in Bacon's moniker.
Which brings me to the point of my letter. I formally request that the members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals get a sense of humor.
Sincerely,
Ily "Meatmouth" Goyanes
Follow Ily on Twitter @realily.
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