Blame Canada: Hawkesbury Food Bank Broken Into Over Christmas Eve Holiday

​Ever since Michael Moore's exploitive documentary, Bowling for Columbine, liberals, hipsters, and pseudo-intellectuals have fawned over our great cousin to the north.

But perhaps Canada is not the peaceful, crimeless country depicted in Moore's documentary -- the one where people leave their doors unlocked and the murder rate of the entire country equals that of one crime-ridden American metropolis.

Over the holiday, on Christmas Eve to be exact, the Hawkesbury Food Bank in southeastern Ontario was broken into and robbed. The loot? Two computers, 100 dollars in cash, and...wait for it....12 cases of sausage.

Now, I will not engage in a philosophical debate over whether or not a crime is a crime is a crime. I'll leave that to the aforementioned pseudo-intellectuals. I will just flatly state that no - all robberies are not equal. Stealing candy from a baby is way worse than pinching the wallet of Humana's CEO from the pocket of his $10,000 suit.

In this case, stealing from an organization that provides food to the poor is worse than robbing, oh, I don't know, say, Bank of America.

I obviously don't know the thugs responsible and therefore am not aware of their financial situation, so I'm not even going to delve into their reasons for looting on Christmas Eve. They must obviously have been hungry - I'm a notorious sausage aficionado and I couldn't even fathom getting through 12 cases of sausage.

But, my issue here is with their choice of breaking into a food bank. How the hell could you rob a food bank? Could it be that they were thrown off by the word 'bank' and lured into breaking in with visions of green, paper stacks and safety deposit boxes filled with jewelry?

If so, they should have realized that they had made a mistake once inside and moved on. Most banks don't keep that much sausage on hand. Whoever these low lives were, I hope they get hit by a truck during rush hour so that they are then run over by another twenty vehicles consecutively.

Those sausages that they felt impelled to pilfer would have gone to feed hungry individuals and families with children. Instead, they were probably grilled at the Annual Douchebag Christmas Barbecue held in Ottawa.

So the next time you and/or your liberal friends are dissing the States and sucking Canada's schlong, remember the wise words of South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone: "Blame Canada."

Whoops. I just remembered that you can get to Canada from Detroit via a short ferry ride. Maybe it was us greedy, capitalistic heathens after all.

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Ily Goyanes
Contact: Ily Goyanes