Apocalypse Gift Guide: Zombie Jerky, Brain Eater's Bible and More

According to some interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar, the world will end today, December 21, 2012 (this is, of course, despite the fact that everyone -- including NASA -- has said otherwise).

Even if you believe such things, it's uncertain whether our world and everything on it will just suddenly cease to exist, if tidal waves and natural forces will wipe out all living creatures, or if the dead will walk the earth.

If a zombie apocalypse happens, that doesn't mean you don't have to get presents for your loved ones -- you just have to revise your gift list. In other words, your Aunt Millie who just turned into a walker won't be needing that Banana Republic sweater any more -- but she will need some other things -- like fresh brains.

We've compiled a list of some very special items guaranteed to make all your friends -- alive and undead -- very happy, indeed.

Zombie Jerky
When zombies break down your door hankering for some human flesh, turn the tables on them. It's a little known fact that zombies are edible, but save the curing and flavoring to experts. This package of zombie jerky in teriyucky flavor, allows you to take a bite out of a dire situation. $5.99 at It's Sugar at The Shops at Sunset Place.

MRE Survival Meals
When the world ends don't think The Bazaar will honor those reservations, buckaroo! Chances are we won't be dining out any longer. We're getting prepared with these Alpine Aire meals. Made for camping and climbing Mount Everest, they're perfect for survivialist stockpiling. Available in all sorts of yummy flavors like chicken gumbo, pasta Roma, and wild thyme turkey. $3.99 - $8.99 at Dick's Sporting Goods.

Astronaut Ice Cream
If our planet does become inhospitable to humans, we're sucking up to Sir Richard Branson and hopping his space craft to...anywhere. We'll probably be eating a lot of this stuff and washing it down with Tang. $6 at Urban Outfitters.

The Brain Eater's Bible
When cousin Ted reanimates, he's going to have questions like "What brains taste the best", "Should I bite on the first date?", and "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrragh?". You have two choices -- you can sever his head from his body or you can toss him this book. It's up to you. $9.99 for instant Kindle download (because there's no time for super saver shipping if the world ends today) at Amazon.com.

Don Julio Real Tequila
When the shit comes down, there's no time to drink cheap hootch. Since the Maya started this mess, we'll toast to the world's destruction with a really good tequila. Don Julio Real has subtle notes of vanilla, oak, caramel, citrus, and agave. It's a smooth sipping tequila, but if the world's ending, we're just swigging from the bottle. $399.99 at Vintage Liquors & Wine Bar.

Follow Laine Doss on Twitter @LaineDoss and Facebook.

Follow Short Order on Facebook , on Twitter @Short_Order, and Instagram @ShortOrder.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.