In what might be another sign of the coming apocalypse, wait times for early voting stretched into an appalling four, six, even eight hours this past weekend. Blood sugar dropped. Sunburn reigned supreme. Adults and kids alike could be seen doing the potty dance.
(Even dudes on a chain gang get food and water when outside that long.)
Read also:
- Villa Mayfair to Reopen For Election Day Party: Free Drinks
- Early Voting Ruined My Weekend: Failed Democracy
So for those who skipped the early voting experience and are headed out to the polls today -- you might wanna plan ahead. And on that note, here's Short Order's guide to your Election Day Survival Kit.
Liquor
Tequila is probably your best bet, but whiskey or vodka would work in a pinch. While poll workers may not look kindly on you if you're swigging from full bottles of hard liquor, a handy flask tucked inconspicuously away won't attract attention. You might wanna bring two - lord knows your neighbors will be jonesing for a sip. (And if you don't drink, you can always pack the ArKay.)
Military rations
Who knows how long you'll be out there. Might as well be prepared for the long haul. Regular foods go bad in days, weeks, months. But rations'll do you good even if you don't get your hands on that ballot till 2014. And don't beef enchiladas in a bag sound mighty tasty?
Sugar
No matter how much protein you consume for breakfast, you're gonna crash come a few hours on line. Sugar highs are your best bet to make it through the afternoon, evening, following morning or however long you're fated to wait. And c'mon, you MUST have some leftover Halloween candy hidden away. Plus, free candy = new friends.
The Bible (or other religious tome of choice)
If you're religious, you can utilize your time on line to appeal to your higher power of choice. And if you've never read the Bible (or other religious tome), this might be your best chance at an uninterrupted time span long enough to get through the whole thing. Either way, it can't hurt to have a higher power on your side, both for your sake and the country's.
An iPad
Conversation only goes so far. Eventually, you'll have to turn to technology to pass the time. So pack any tablet or device with internet access. Be sure to bring a charger (and a backup generator, if you've got one). Besides, it's important that you live-Tweet your time on line. The world desperately wants to know what's going down in Florida on election day - and it's up to you to show 'em (dead serious here).
A portable toilet
With lines as long as these, bathroom access is likely to be questionable at best. So bring your own backup. But people, please refrain from using political toilet paper.
H2O
You might wanna pack a portable purifier, 'cuz a few bottles probably aren't gonna cut it. You're likely to get parched as you debate the various amendments and launch into hour long discussions about the merits of the electoral college. Plus, that lovely Florida sun will sucking you dry.
Sunscreen
You live in South Florida - do we really have to tell you? But if you wanna utilize the sun to get creative (and wear your heart on your sleeve, so to speak), you could always draw your candidate of choice onto your arm, let the sun do its thing, rub off the the writing and voila: a tan tattoo of your favorite dude.
A chair
Heck, a lounger is more like it. Might as well get comfortable. Pillows and a light blanket are optional. As is a bikini for sunbathing.
It can also double as a post-election party spot (or place to drown your sorrows - but please, not literally).
But please, whatever you do, GET OUT THE VOTE. With stakes this high, it's well worth it. Good luck out there.
Follow Hannah on Twitter @hannahalexs.
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