Primary day is only a week away and if you’re like us, before you cast your ballot, you want to know: Who would Jesus vote for?
In the first installment of the New Times series delivering JHC's thoughts on all of the relevant candidates - and some of the irrelevant ones - John McCain and John Edwards face the gauntlet that is Jesus' discerning eye.
Don't forget to check back each day right here on Riptide to see more of Jesus's candidate evaluations, ending with his choice for U.S. President.
Herewith, we apply our patented Crucifix Rating System (CRS)®. A maximum five crosses equals a strenuous holy endorsement.
John Edwards: This guy is too pretty for Jesus. Sometimes when Edwards talks, Jesus finds himself thinking about what a handsome man he is. And that just makes Jesus feel kinda gay.
Feelings aside, Jesus has heard this clown wants to pull out of Iraq. Jesus is not a puller-outer. Read the Bible. Jesus and his dad have warred with the Devil for like ... forever. Imagine if they just decided to pull out of Earth. Imagine.
CRS Result: One Cross
John McCain: Jesus knows this is going to sound a little controversial, but He thinks all those years in a Vietnamese POW camp made McCain soft. Who has a problem with torturing terrorists? Jesus didn’t do anything to stop his own torture; why would He give a shit about anyone else’s?
Plus, didn’t this guy lose the last time around? Jesus hates losers.
CRS Result: One Cross
Neither John is in favor with Our Lord and Savior, each garnering only a single cross out of a possible five. See what Jesus has to say about two of the more fringe candidates, Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich, tomorrow. -- Calvin Godfrey and Tovin Lapan
