In a tradition documented in the very first line of Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side" (Holly came from Miami, F-L-A), for years Miami's creative and restless young would head to New York. In return, Miami would get New York's retirees.
This population transaction worked fine for decades, but recently a West Coast interloper has become a more prominent destination for Miami's expats. Yes, nowadays you're just as likely to hear about Miamians hightailing it to Los Angeles as you are to hear about locals heading to New York, and not just people who have convinced themselves they'll be silver-screen icons. The trend hit a fever pitch in 2012 when a group of Miami artists, including beloved collective FriendsWithYou, departed for L.A., and it hasn't slowed since.
Not to rain on L.A.'s parade the day after its biggest event of the year, but let's remember that life in Tinsel Town isn't really all that much better than life in the Magic City.
1. Hurricanes Are Generally Preferable to Earthquakes
Though hurricane season in Miami has been quiet for the past nine years, typically major hurricanes tend to affect South Florida more often than major earthquakes slam Los Angeles (though small-scale quakes hit L.A. so often there's an automated Twitter feed dedicated to tracking them). Once they hit, hurricanes can be at least a daylong affair, while an earthquake gets its business out of the way quickly.
But here's the main reason canes are preferable to quakes: meteorology. You'll know at least a week in an advance that a hurricane could hit Miami, whereas earthquakes just happen suddenly and without warning. So you'll never know where you'll be if the long-predicted "Big One" hits Los Angeles.
2. Traffic Is Worse in L.A.
If you can't deal with being stuck on the Palmetto during peak commute time or hate when the MacArthur is backed up, L.A. is not for you. Sure, study after study has confirmed Miami has certifiably bad traffic, but just about every single one of those studies crowns Los Angeles as the city with the worst traffic in the United States.
3. Bars Close at 2 a.m. There
Like every other city in California, last call in L.A. is at 2 a.m. Meanwhile, some clubs in Miami are just getting going at that time. Admit it, Miamians, even if you're not regularly closing down the club at 5 a.m., you'd at least like to have the option. Seriously, something about 2 a.m. just seems so prudish. Even Tampa lets its bars stay open until 3.
4. Smog and Air Pollution
According to the American Lung Association's 2014 "State of the Air" rankings, Los Angeles ranks number one in ozone pollution, third in year-round particle pollution, and fourth in short-term particle pollution. The rest of the cities in the top five in all of those categories are also in California.
Los Angeles County also received an F on its air quality report card. Miami, meanwhile, sat far away from the most polluted cities and got a solid B on its air quality report card.
5. Miami's Beaches Are Better
And the only people who could objectively argue with that point are surfers. That's because the water at L.A. beaches is notoriously chilly and often choppy. So unless you want to paddle out in a wetsuit, L.A. beaches are only as good as their sand. In Miami, though, you can get a full beach experience, including comfortably wading in the water as long as you want.
6. The Everglades Is Better Than Deserts
Sure, this is a subjective judgment, but deserts are weird, and you should not live too close to any of them. The Everglades is a majestic river of grass. Deserts are parched piles of sand.
7. L.A.'s Rents Are the Highest
Rents in Miami-Dade are out of control, but they're still relatively affordable when compared to those in Los Angeles. According to a 2014 study by UCLA Luskin School of Public Affairs, L.A. has the most unaffordable rental market in all of America.
8. California Has a State Income Tax, and L.A. Has a 9 Percent Sales Tax
L.A. has kicked its sales tax up to the highest levels in the whole state. Those are just facts, folks. Just like the fact that Florida has no personal income tax at all, and the sales tax in Miami is just 7 percent.
9. No Pro Football Team in L.A.
Sure, there are two baseball teams, two basketball teams, and two hockey teams, but that still hasn't made up for the fact that L.A. doesn't have a single NFL team. People like to take the piss out of Miami fans, but we've somehow kept the same football team here since the '60s. L.A., meanwhile, has a history of losing professional football teams like a little kid loses baby teeth.
10. Los Angeles Has All of Miami's Personality Flaws, but Intensified
Vanity? ✓
A notoriously sketchy dating scene? ✓
People who are only out to use you? ✓
Cokeheads? ✓✓✓
Roving bands of douchebags? ✓
Trust-fund kids? ✓
Rudeness? ✓
Bad drivers? ✓
The list could go on, but just about every complaint people level about Miamians could be said for Los Angelinos too.
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