Mugshots Friday: Miami Heat Championship Edition

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that...

By Gus Garcia-Roberts

June 22, 2012

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Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Arrested:6/15

Charged with: Cocaine trafficking, tampering with physical evidence

First there was the Knicks, which seems so long ago that it is humanly impossible to remember what happened, and all documentation of that series was long ago destroyed in a fire. If we remember correctly, PJ Brown did really good. Arrested: 6/15

Charged with: Possession of an open container of alcohol

Remember after Game 5 of this series, when if you turned on ESPN you would have thought that Erik Spoelstra had already been demoted to the video room and Dwyane Wade was traded to the Clippers? WHA' HAPPENED WITH THAT, JON BARRY? Arrested: 6/20

Charged with: Battery

You poor, poor man. Well, at least your city still has... that bombing memorial?

Arrested:6/16

Charged with: Trespassing after warning

Somewhere in France, some Louis Vuitton executive just spat a mouthful of pomegranate seeds and is going: "Sacre bleu! Our venerable brand is now being worn by the prisoners of Florida! Quickly, somebody send Nicole Richie another purse!" Arrested:6/15

Charged with: Battery, Disorderly conduct

Because we're positive this guy is not concerned about potential employers Googling him, we'll reveal that his name is MAXIMILIANO MASCARO. This is what happens when you name your kid MAXIMILIANO MASCARO. Arrested:6/6

Charged with: Habitual driving while license suspended

Sir, if you hadn't tattooed the living hell out of your face, you would just look like a suburban dad right now. You'd be buying powdered Gatorade for your kid's soccer team and then cursing softly at the DVD machine because Hugo is still sold out. Instead, you're doomed to forever haunt the earth looking like Dr. Dre fell asleep at a frat party.

Arrested: 6/20

Charged with: Fraudulent creation and possession of admission ticket, trespassing after warning

It's fun to think of who this guy was making a fake ticket to see. Slipknot, but with oboes? Doug Rogers from Accounting, who is like the Jimi Hendrix of Powerpoint? R. Kelly? Probably R. Kelly. (We really are going to figure out this guy's deal, stay tuned.) Arrested: 6/15

Charged with: Cocaine possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, trespassing after warning

[Intern, put a zombie joke here.] Arrested:6/19

Charged with: Criminal mischief, disorderly intoxication

Maybe it's the self-destructive streak in me, but I want to start a new life with this crying blurry lady. There'd be never a dull moment.

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