Basketball Wives: Love Means Throwing Water in a Bitch's Face

The concept of marriage predates recorded history, yet here it is, the year 2010 A.D., and we are still arguing over what it "means." Luckily, important socio-documentary Basketball Wives shed some light on the debate last night. What we learned: The definition of marriage should be left to each couple...

By Kyle Munzenrieder

May 3, 2010

[
        {
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Inline Content - Mobile Display Size",
          "component": "19274298",
          "insertPoint": "2",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "2"
        },{
          "name": "Editor Picks",
          "component": "17482312",
          "insertPoint": "4",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "1"
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "18711090",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "17482310",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "18711090",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Air - Leaderboard Tower - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "17482313",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        }
      ]

The concept of marriage predates recorded history, yet here it is, the year 2010 A.D., and we are still arguing over what it "means." Luckily, important socio-documentary Basketball Wives shed some light on the debate last night. What we learned: The definition of marriage should be left to each couple that is brave enough to make a go at it, and Jennifer Williams's marriage apparently means not being really sure if she wants to live in the same house as her husband but being damn sure that if a bitch steps to her man, a drink will be thrown at her over-Botoxed face. How romantic!

But like all great romances, we must start from the beginning... of the episode. Where boring ol' Gloria and Matt Barnes have a picture-perfect boring union in appropriately boring Orlando, where they say boring things about Evelyn and how it might be best for Gloria to stay away from her. Because Evelyn, well she's a lot of things, but she's not boring, and she might taint boring Gloria with this exciting new concept of non-boringness. Gloria, though, decides she should stand as a role model, a paragon of boringness before all the other wives and teach them the pleasure of simple domestic bornigness. She also calls them "old dogs," which is the single least boring thing that's come out of her mouth all season, and even then... pretty boring.

Then it's off to the VIP room at Proof on Ocean Drive, where the girls have convened a summit on important scientific matters such as "Who has slept with Shaquille O'Neal" and "NBA dancers: On a scale of one to ten, how slutty exactly are they?" The answers: Gloria's sister and 11.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Later, Gloria and Royce meet at Philippe at the Gansevoort (apparently, reality TV's favorite South Beach restaurant) to delve further into the topic of dancer slutiness, asking the questions "So, you think dancers are sluts, but is it the bad thing?" While some sort of purple silk monster devours Gloria's neck, she holds firm to the fact that, yes, yes, all of this slutiness is a bad thing. Royce, the former dancer and Dwight Howard's baby mama, isn't really able to do anything close to "formulating thoughts" in her head, but we think she doesn't seem to think it's so bad.

Anyway, back to the saga of Jennifer and Eric Williams.

We're not sure Eric is much of a thinking man. I mean, he knows his wife is on a reality-TV show, right? And he knows the show is, at the core, about the lives, relationships, and marriages of his wife and her friends? And he is, we think, somewhat aware that his marriage isn't exactly on solid footing? Right? And he knows that a major plot point so far is the idea, whether true or not, that he slept with some horrible Frankenstein's monster of a woman named Sandra? But has it ever occurred to him that every word he says on camera shouldn't demonstrate he is a pretty lousy husband? Apparently not.

The couple goes house-hunting and comes across a property with two houses on one lot. The idea comes up that they could live in each house separately and meet, occasionally, by the shared pool. Which is kind of terribly sad when you think about it. Eric isn't even sure how long the marriage will last, saying he'll take it day by day.

Later, Jennifer is out with Soozi having drinks, trying to drown the sorrows of the early house-hunting failure, when who walks by but plastic-faced Sandra from last episode. Words heat up, and Soozi throws a glass of water in her face. Amazingly, Sandra's face does not melt, which really is a testament to the Dr. Frankenstein of a man who created her in some horrible Hialeah lab all those years ago.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

So what did we learn about marriage? Mostly that it's kind of a horrible, horrible thing. Especially without love, because what's marriage without love? A vague idea that you're supposed to be committed to someone (even if that commitment involves living in separate houses and seeing each other at your shared pool once in a while), and if someone threatens that marriage, you're supposed to have one of your ride-or-die bitches throw water in that skank's face? The horror.

Become A Member

BEFORE YOU GO...
Can you help us continue to share our stories? Since the beginning, Miami New Times has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami — and we'd like to keep it that way. Our members allow us to continue offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food, and culture with no paywalls.