When we set out to put this list together, we thought Great, we're going to have a wide variety of songs! That dream was shattered when we quickly realized white people don't know shit about bone jams.
If the number of Wayans children is any indication, black people know what's up when it comes to creating baby-making music. Plus, artists like Marvin Gaye, Al Green, and Barry White made a living on orgasm-inducing music, so it's difficult to compete against guys whose sole purpose was to facilitate fornication. With that in mind, we've made sure to only pick one song per artist.
In no particular order, here are ten songs that are sexy enough to get a lady pregnant. And in some cases, even men.
10. Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"
Planned Parenthood performs abortions by playing Marvin Gaye records backward. In the '80s, he was shot by his father. The official record states that it was over an argument, but we're pretty sure it has something to do with his songs being so powerfully sexy he needed to be stopped before Earth's population spiraled wildly out of control.
9. Al Green's "Simply Beautiful"
"Let's Stay Together" is easily Al Green's most famous song, and that's why it's not on this list. "Simply Beautiful" is mellower, softer, and contains more sex mojo than the "horny goat weed" you can find sold over the counter for $1.99 at sketchy gas stations.
8. Barry White's "Love's Theme"
Barry White's voice is so powerful it can make a eunuch fertile. When he was alive, he could reverse vasectomies by humming "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" in the direction of a neutered nut sack. In fact, Barry White was responsible for the Octomom's litter. With such a forceful voice, he needed a way to tone it down a bit, because sometimes you want only one child at a time. That's why he wrote "Love's Theme." And that's why every porn flick uses the "Love's Theme" porno guitar sound.
7. Boyz II Men's "50 Candles"
Not one of their most popular songs, but definitely one of the sexiest from Boyz II Men's 1995 Grammy-winning album II. Legend states that if a man times his thrusts to the beat of this song, the son conceived during that particular bout of coitus will go through puberty faster than all of his peers. Boy to man, indeed.
6. Sade's "Kiss of Life"
Women love them some Sade, and she'll be performing at the American Airlines Arena on July 16 to a sold-out crowd of ovulating women seeking seeds. She's basically Beyoncé with better music and without all the bullshit. Nigeria tried to redeem itself for all those email scams by giving us Sade. Just kidding, the Brits raised her, so they should take credit.
5. Jon Secada's "Just Another Day Without You"
While in the search of a white-guy jam, the closest we came was everybody's favorite M. Night Shyamalan doppelganger, Jon Secada. Everyone in Miami remembers his string of '90s hits, and there's a very good chance that about 20 percent of FIU students were conceived to his self-titled debut album. Admittedly, this song is a little too up-tempo for shagging. Yet it retains its charms if you're of a slightly older generation. Or you're one of those hipsters who mate ironically.
4. Kenny G's "Songbird"
As any mother will inappropriately teach her son, you can't make a sex playlist without at least one Kenny G track. And, hooray, a white guy on the list! Not a racial enigma like Secada, a real white guy! Although, wait a second, what's with the hair? Damn it, biodiversity! Anyway, this song is so passionate and teeming with hormones it's become the song to use when a sex scene is really just a gag. Still, this man pioneered mainstream smooth jazz and deserves his place.
3. John Coltrane's "In a Sentimental Mood"
As Kenny G taught us, sex and sax go hand-in-hand. Coltrane was a legendary saxophone player, which meant he loved drugs and died young. Before his death, however, he provided the world with ample hits for hitting it. Jazz musicians incorporate sex into their art. That's why their musical terminology contains words like finger, lick, head, and blow.
2. Teddy Pendergrass's "Close the Door"
It's tough to choose which Teddy Pendergrass slow jam to put on this list. On the one hand, "Turn Off the Lights" is phenomenal. But then again, so is "Come Go With Me." One thing's clear: Teddy loved telling people what to do. If he were still alive today, there's no doubt he would've written a song titled "Put My Penis in Your Vagina." It's called romance.
1. Keith Sweat's "Nobody"
What a name! It's the perfect R&B sensual-song-performer name. Imagine being a singer named Johnny Penetration or Trevor Lube. It just works. And along with "Twisted," this urban love jam is easily the most famous song in his repertoire. It's designed to make women comfortable with a horny male on the verge of ripping her clothes off. Does it do the job? Tell us, are your clothes still on? Exactly.
Final Note
Yes, there are many songs that could go on this list, and not everyone's tastes tend toward slow jams. Of course, we're well aware that people fuck to Zeppelin. And we shudder.
-- Orlando Winters
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