When we go to the barbershop, we don't want our head shampooed. We don't need women in top hats and corsets attending to us. And we don't want to pay more than $20. Sadly, that disqualifies most of the cabello chop shops in town. Thankfully, there is now the Amici Barber Shop in Miami Beach. In exchange for a single, dirty green portrait of Andrew Jackson, a barber here will cut your hair quickly but carefully. Seniors and kids get their strands snipped for $15. Amici's barbers will even rub your scalp vigorously with a brush for no extra charge. We know because we tried it. At first the sensation was a bit strange, but after a while, we fell into a Zen-like trance from which we have yet to emerge. We may not have gone to work or answered the phone in a week, but we are looking — and feeling — pretty damn good. Amici's interior, meanwhile, is a pleasant but efficient white-tiled space with the obligatory TV set or two. An English-speaker is usually on hand in case you need to translate some detailed instructions, such as whether you want your neckline tailored, boxed, or cut into a swallow tail. Best of all, Amici is open seven days a week, so there are no more excuses for showing up at work Monday looking like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

If you survive all 9,000 kettlebell swings, hand-stand pushups, dead lifts, pullups, wall balls, box jumps, and overhead squats, CrossFit 305 promises to make you so tough you could tie an alligator in a knot with your glutes. If you've never tried CrossFit because you're afraid of red-faced and spitting militant trainers, stop watching trashy TV — this ain't Scared Straight. The trainers here have better things to do than to bark orders — namely to explain the WOD (CrossFit-speak for "workout of the day"), to encourage members, and to correct improper form. The thinking behind CrossFit is that if you never do the same workout twice, you'll constantly confuse your muscles and you'll end up in the all-around best shape and at the highest functional fitness level of your life. Peter, Sean, and Alex are among the certified CrossFit trainers who will assist you at any one of the seven classes offered weekdays at the gym. A more limited schedule is available on the weekends, including a yoga class on Sunday. When you notice that all of those air squats have manifested themselves as a solid, high-riding, and sexy culo, you'll understand why CrossFit is Miami's gym du jour.

Walking into Unknwn is like strolling into the pages of some mind-blowingly hip fashion magazine like Nylon Guys. With a mix of establishment-approved, up-and-coming fashion labels (Band of Outsiders, 3.1 Phillip Lim, A.P.C.) and street-wear brands (Warriors of Radness, Crooks & Castles, Stussy), the Aventura Mall outpost is a must-visit for any guy. This is designer wear at designer prices, but they aren't into the stratosphere (check out some sleek A.P.C. jeans for $158 or a 10 Deep varsity jacket for $154). There's stuff for the ladies too, but Unknwn stocks the kind of menswear that until now has been suspiciously hard to find in Miami. And oh yeah, it's owned by some guy you might have heard of: LeBron James. He's six-foot-eight, plays basketball, is kind of a big deal. The Heat forward teamed with a group of friends, including longtime pal Frankie Walker, to open the boutique, but the inventory is the real star here. Even if the owners were unknown, we'd still stop here to stock up our closet.

Sure, Bal Harbour Plastic Surgery owner Dr. Michael A. Salzhauer (AKA Dr. Schnoz) is probably most notorious for his supercontroversial, allegedly anti-Semitic "Jewcan Sam" music video contest, a 2012 rhinoplasty promo prank that seriously pissed off the uptight, humorless dorks at the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. But he's been fixing effed-up faces, problematic proboscises, droopy chins, saggy boobs, flabby bodies, and flat asses for the past decade and a half. So ultimately, the Schnoz is a true pro. With a medical degree from the Washington University School of Medicine (not to mention a ton of practical experience at Miami Beach's Mount Sinai, the University of Miami Medical Center, and the Cleveland Clinic Foundation), this self-anointed "Nose King of Miami" is a board-certified plastic surgeon who also happens to be an avid Twitter user (@DoctorMichael), iSurgeon app developer, author of a children's book about "Mommy makeovers," outspoken advocate for enhancing animal self-esteem by means of "Pet Plasty," and total marketing genius. Every year, Doc Salzhauer rescues 600-plus patients from Mother Nature's mistakes with his near-magical plastic surgery skills, performing all kinds of complex cosmetic procedures, including nose jobs, breast augmentations, liposuction, tummy tucks, face-lifts, Botox, and fillers. Whether you're a socialite, celeb, or mommy looking for a complete body makeover, call 305-NEW-NOSE. 'Cause nobody's perfect.

Your boss has been on your ass again all week about those TPS Reports. You did not get the memo. Your cubicle mate keeps doing that thing where she hums that Katy Perry song for hours at a time. The office smells like reheated Hot Pockets. Unless you can take the copy machine out back and go gangster on it with a baseball bat, there's only one option left to save your sanity: Get a massage already! More specifically, head to Massage Isles & Wellness Center in Sunny Isles Beach, where a classic 60-minute massage runs just $99 (plus tip, of course). Massage Isles has a boatload of specialty massages too, from a couple's session ($195 to share a room during the rubdown) to a sports massage aimed at athletes ($99) to a pregnancy massage for those who've been lugging around an extra human being in their belly for months ($99).

Fact: The events industry is a scam. No matter what item you're shopping for, sellers will immediately double the price when they learn you're buying it for your wedding, your daughter's bat mitzvah, or your 50th anniversary party. Anything sentimental, really. And in a city like Miami, where appearances count for a lot, florists can be among the worst offenders. That's why it's so refreshing to visit Hirni's. This isn't some fancy, over-the-top floral shop on wedding-crazed Miracle Mile. It's a quaint cabin on the southern edge of the city staffed by a flurry of friendly, flower-happy ladies who know their stuff. Walk into the showroom any time of year and you'll have your pick of premade arrangements in all sizes and colors, celebrating whatever special occasion is just around the corner. On the covered patio, you'll find freshly growing potted plants for sale. And if you'd like something a little more personal, it's easy to sit down with a designer and explain what you're looking for; the open layout of the country-style studio means you can watch as designers assemble your piece. But flowers for events is where Hirni's really shines. The store owner, Janice Tate, personally handles orders for large events. She is a no-nonsense, down-to-earth lady with an encyclopedic knowledge of the plants she sells. She knows to ask the important questions, like whether anyone in the wedding party might be allergic to the exotic flowers you've requested for your bouquet. She can offer advice drawn from years of experience, such as which flowers are likely to wilt in the sun during your niece's quinceañera. And she respects your bottom line — a refreshing oddity in the business. Tate knows that when your event looks good, her business looks good too, so she'll do everything within her power — and because she owns the place, that's a lot — to make it perfect.

Are you ready for a craniosacral massage? It's not some twisted fetish thing involving skulls and male private parts. It's a spa treatment at Exhale Miami that gently removes accumulated stress from the central nervous system and facilitates meditation. If you're looking for a treatment that works on the surface, try the Glow Body Scrub, which uses dry brushing, a citrus sugar scrub, and white tea lotion to make your skin feel like it's 1992. If a little poke is what you need to relax, try Exhale's many acupuncture and fusion therapies. (What did you think we meant?) There's also reiki and cupping for alternative-healing junkies. Want to take a more active role in your relaxation? Exhale is universally praised for its incredible yoga instructors, who offer group and private sessions that leave devoted students blissed out and begging for more. Especially popular are the Core Fusion and Exhale Slow Flow classes, led by Jodi Carey, a former Broadway dancer who's been teaching yoga for more than a decade. Then suck some Zen right through your pores with a Cool Beam facial, which uses antibacterial light to spark a collagen growth spurt. What truly makes this full-service spa exceptional is its professional and friendly staff members, who keep customers coming back whether they're full-time residents or twice-yearly passers-through.

Suffering from the ever-present Miami shine of sunblock and sweat? Fear not! At Skin Institute, not only do you walk away with the cleanest face in the 305, but also you're treated like royalty while trained technicians scrub the grime from your pores. Between the complimentary juices made in-house and the bag of freebies you leave with, the facial is just the icing on the cake. Depending upon how disgusting your skin has gotten, you can opt for an "Acne Maintenance Facial," which is $70 for 80 minutes, or a scouring "Deep Pore Cleansing Facial," which runs 60 minutes for $60. Feeling the need for more of a pampering session? Enjoy the $90 "Champage and Caviar Facial" for 70 minutes of heaven. And if caviar isn't good enough for your face, spring for the $300 "24 Karat Gold Facial," during which you are slathered and caressed for 140 luxurious minutes.

Helmed by Dr. Marcy Alvarez — a young, supercool, and hysterically funny dermatologist and University of Miami grad — Lincoln Road Dermatology is a new boutique-style medical office specializing in all things zit, mole, mark, and, above all, hair removal. Go in for a consultation regarding your furry back, fuzzy feet, overgrown armpits, and tragic bikini line and Dr. A will tell you what it takes to get you looking like a newborn in no time. Her secret: the Lightsheer Duet, which is virtually painless, faster, and more effective than most lasers. And it has a larger spot size, so it covers more surface area with each touch. It's suitable for most skin types, and results are seen after only one treatment. Typically, you'll find your trouble spots virtually hair-free after only four to five visits, and the total cost is less than you might think. Woohoo! All you gotta do is strip down to expose the fur, put on some sunglasses, lie back, and deal with the weird feeling of having a machine gently suck at your (sometimes naughty) bits. If you're embarrassed at the thought of having the doc zap parts of your body you have never seen, just giggle uncomfortably and she'll ease the experience with some lighthearted conversation. Or you two can debate the merits of why some guys dig bush and others prefer their lovers' private parts to be as slick as a Barbie doll's.

Going to the hair salon can be pretty damn stressful. You're basically trusting some relative stranger (unless, of course, your stylist is your actual relative) with your precious tresses. And let's face it — even air traffic controllers screw up once in a while. We can't think of a more appropriate time to be a little buzzed than when someone is working with scissors or a 450-degree flatiron near your face. Problem is, most salons don't serve booze. Which is why we love Rik Rak. Not only does it serve beer and wine, but there's also a full espresso bar. Skipping off to the salon on your lunch break? Order a salad or sandwich from Rik Rak and eat it in the styling chair or take it back to the office after you've been properly coiffed. And if it's one-stop shopping you're after, check out the shoe selection here. Because after spending an hour getting a winter's worth of dead skin scraped from your heels, you'll need a new pair of peep-toe pumps. In a city of convenience, Rik Rak is the only place we know where you can booze it up and actually look better than you looked before you started drinking.