Maybe you've been lucky and you've never come face-to-face with a Juggalo or Juggalette in full grip of a homicidal sugar rush. Don't fool yourself, though, they're out there, guzzling gallons of Faygo, hoarding unholy amounts of candy, flashing their floppy titties, touching up their scary mugs, and plotting crazy evil shit.
Back in the late '90s, "Juggalo" cropped up as a nickname for the fans of Insane Clown Posse. But over the course of the last decade, these hardcore makeup enthusiasts have expanded into all kinds of antisocial activities including murder, beauty pageants, burglary, porn, and the throwing of human poop at Tila Tequila.
Check the cut for ten crazy, naked, criminal moments in Juggalo history.
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10. The Tequila Incident
A couple of weeks ago at the 11th annual Gathering of the Juggalos, a rabid mob of face-painted freaks attacked Tila Tequila, hurling firecrackers, feces, full cans of Faygo, bricks, and broken bottles at her face.
Now ... Why were the Juggalos so pissed off? Someone ate all the pizza. And why the fuck was Tila Tequila there? She was scheduled to "sing" alongside such notable acts as ICP, Psychopathic Rydas, and Vanilla Ice.
Anyway, in an effort to appease the crowd of raging clowns, Tila did the only logical thing ... She stripped, flashing her tiny titties in a sign of surrender. (Apparently, there were no white flags immediately available.) However, this tactic didn't work and the Juggalos' insane-o-meter rocketed to 11 as they chased Tila to her trailer, smashing windows and screaming shit like "Fuck chickens! Fuck ducks! Everybody in your crew sucks!"
9. Juggalo Ax Attack
In July 2008, a pair of Juggalos from Salt Lake City, Utah, chopped a teenage kid in the neck with a medieval battle ax. The motive: Clown #1 was pissed because his girlfriend had been texting and sexting with the victim. He was also 111-percent positive that the STD he got from his Jugglette originally came from this particular guy. Meanwhile, Clown #2 got involved 'cause he was ... uh ... bored?
Following the ax attack and a few more like it, the good people of the Beehive State said "Screw this crap!" and called a conference where they officially outed the Juggalos as a gang. There are an estimated 4000 Juggalos in Utah. Someone please start counting the axes.
8. Clowns of the Wild Frontier
Unlike aggravated assault and almost hacking someone's head off, it's not actually illegal to make a monumentally shitty movie. In a perfect world, though, all sane members of the human race would immediately band together to create a law against the kind of brain rape perpetrated by Insane Clown Posse's new western, Big Money Rustlas.
Here's a synopsis: Back in Wild West times, a cowboy clown named Sugar Wolf (Shaggy 2 Dope) returns to his hometown, Mud Bug, after years away. The place has gone to shit. It's being ruled by a dictatorial clown crime boss Big Baby Chips (Violent J) and his henchmen Raw Stank and Dusty Poot. This ain't right, motherfucker! So Sugar Wolf names himself Sheriff and bitchslaps Mud Bug back to peace. Oh yeah, Bridget the Midget bakes a pie, junkie-slash-actor Jason Mewes (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) gets wacky, Ron Jeremy collects a paycheck ...
OK, enough. Are you barfing yet?
7. Juggalos Down Under
As if time-traveling to an Old West town from the 1830s wasn't totally fucking ridiculous enough, the Juggalos decided to swim across the Pacific Ocean, spreading America's dumbest subculture to Australia.
Earlier this month, the Daily Telegraph reported: "A notorious American youth gang known for its violent street crime and penchant for wearing clown make-up as a disguise has hit Sydney ... Three men wearing the Juggalos' trademark clown make-up attempted to rob a woman outside Fairfield RSL Club and were captured on CCTV footage wearing their 'disguise.'"
P.S. Cute Aussie error of the day: "Juggaloos."
6. Crowning Miss Juggalette
Every year at the Gathering of the Juggalos, a Queen of the Juggalettes is crowned. Plucked from the multitudes of young, lithe, virginal creatures who aspire to such things, she is soft, beautiful, and pure.
Just joking ... The annual Miss Juggalette Pageant is kinda like a perp walk for roughneck prostitutes. Some hot, most not ... The talent portion of the competition often consists of cramming a microphone into your vagina or publicly proving your prowess as a female ejaculator.
Meanwhile, there are yearlong, ongoing Juggalette beauty contests on MySpace and Facebook. These ones are way less hardcore. You might even say they are "adorable."
5. Insane Clown Porno
Doesn't a Juggalo orgy sounds terrifying? Imagine a waterbed stripped bare, then smeared with black and white greasepaint. Imagine a half-dozen writhing Juggalettes being penetrated by homies with giddy, leering funhouse faces. Imagine the overpowering smell of hotdogs and marijuana.
So who in hell would document such a thing? And what kind of audience would want to play with their privates while watching creepy clown sex tapes? Duh ... JUGGALOS! There are certain hipster blogs (i.e. Driven by Boredom) peddling so-called "Juggalo Porn" that's nothing but topless photos of Jugglettes from this year's Gathering. The real shit, however, is made by Juggalos for Juggalos starring Juggalos.
Yes, there are isolated examples floating all over the web. But a little site called adultjuggalos.xitti.com is fast becoming the center of the Juggalo porn scene. Enter if you hate your eyes.
4. Beat Your Mama
In the Northwestern wildlands of Pierce County, Washington, a teen chick and her Juggalo crew -- three girls, two guys -- bumrushed her own grandmother's home and proceeded to beat the old lady with pots and pans. They duct-taped grandma to the floor, ransacked the place, and then stole the elderly woman's automobile.
What the fuck was the point? At the time of the trial in March 2010, prosecutor Gregory Greer claimed that it was a Juggalo gang initiation or something for Matthew Richard White, the only adult in the crew. The jury decided that hypothesis was bullshit, though.
In the end, these Juggalos probably just needed a car really, really, really bad. Why? Well, we've only got guesses. But can you say: "Emergency Faygo run!"
3. Klowns Who Kill
Some people think clowns are funny. But the truth is they're evil. Examples: Bozo, John Gacy, Juggalos.
On February 3, 2009, two Juggalos from Pennsylvania stabbed a 21-year-old Army vet named Michael Scott Goucher more than 50 times. (Yeah, he died.) The teen murderers, Ian Seagraves and Shawn Freemore, were confessed superfans of ICP. Each one had a Juggalo nickname: Seagraves was "Itsophrenic" and Freemore was "Skippy Critter." The duo even wrote some Juggalo poetry about the experience: "He sat next to me and I went and stabbed this motherfucker/Right into his neck and I stabbed him in the head/We checked but he started running, his fucking ass wasn't dead."
2. ICP on ABC
In the aftermath of the Goucher killing, ICP visited ABC's studios to defend themselves on Nightline. Typically, we'd try to say something cheap and snide and hilarious about the whole thing. But there's no way we can do better than the following partial transcript:
Martin Bashir: How do you write a line like "From Pluto to your anus/We are underground famous"?
Violent J: "For doom/And either way bass booms/In your face" ... That's dope, man. Welcome to the world of rap.
Bashir: But isn't this prepubescent, barely literate ...
Violent J: Probably to you.
Bashir: Not to me. I mean ...
Shaggy 2 Dope: 'Cause you sound smart as a motherfucker. You know what I'm sayin'? [Laughs]
Violent J: Maybe it's not your cup of tea.
Then later:
Bashir: Explain to me the fixation with rape, violence, and murder in the lyrics particularly. What does it mean if you call a song "Imma Kill U"?
Shaggy 2 Dope: It means "Imma kill you." I mean, how you take that ... I mean, are you a grown retard or something? Are you going to go out and do it?
1. United Nazi Juggalo Front
Go 99 steps farther down the rabbit hole of Juggalo weirdness, beyond Tila Tequila's busted face, the Wild West, porn, murder, and ICP appearing on an ostensibly serious news show for a "thoughtful" sit-down conversation about the link between horrorcore and real-life violence.
There you will find the United Nazi Juggalo Front, a white supremacist wing of the international Psychopathic Records fanbase. From its YouTube channel, the UNJF promotes Hitler, white power, and gay hating while quoting lyrics like: "I can't explain to my kids what's on TV/And I'm a supervillain/It's time I do somethin' about it/The faggot population getting way too overcrowded."
Wow ... The only consolation is this whole UNJF thing might be a hoax, some sick CIA-style counterpropaganda by an online group called Juggalo Holocaust that wants to wipe the world clean of ICP, Juggalos, Juggalettes, and all their kind.
Yeah, don't think about it too hard. Your mind could get totally Twiztid.
