Meow listen up, everybody. You may think you're enjoying your last stress-free moments before the holidays. You may think you're doing the responsible thing, resting up before Art Basel rears its expertly curated head. You may think you can just sit on your couch all weekend watching Scandal on Hulu.
But you know who disagrees? Cats.
Face it: cats are the only species who make lazy look good. It's why they're so popular out here on the Interwebs; all laptop junkies secretly aspire to a life of sprawling out in a sun-patch while some moron makes us famous by Instagramming our every move.
But humans aren't cats. Trying to pretend otherwise will only incur their feline wrath. And lord knows you don't want to do that -- especially not now, with their annual conference just months away. So get off that couch, put on some pants for crissakes, and get out there this weekend. The cats of the world would thank you, except that they're asshole cats who DGAF.
Friday
Secret Celluloid Society: Freaky films in a vintage setting. Tonight's offering? Phantom of the Paradise, paired with Blue Starlite's new, adorable concessions trailer. Zooey Deschanel would be proud ... and then terrified.
NASCAR Ford Championship Weekend: It's the one time of year you can still break out that "Git R Dun" trucker cap.
Borgore: Any friend of twerking is a friend of yours.
Saturday
Sole Fresh Sneaker Fest and Car Show: Show your feet some love this weekend.
Brazil vs. Honduras: Brazil's back in town for the first time in, like, forever. Goooooooooool!
Ultimate House Party with Kid 'n Play: The legendary fade is gone, but your nostalgia is forever.
Cranksgiving Bicycle Food Drive: Do a good thing and maybe even win prizes in the process.
Miami Mini Maker Faire: Creative crafters unite at Lab Miami for everything from book-making to game programming.
Sunday
Miami Book Fair International: Tonight's your only chance to ask Dan Brown all your Illuminati questions: Are they real? Do they run the world? Is Beyonce just as beautiful in real life?
Miami Dolphins vs. San Diego Chargers: Don't worry about the impending Dol-fail. Worry about staying "hydrated" at the tailgate.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.
Send your story tips to Cultist at [email protected].
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
