Liver spots, colostomy bags, and Metamucil-breath. There are just so many things that can make a memaw beautiful. But according to gorgeousgrandma.com which declared last Saturday Gorgeous Grandma Day, blue hair and medical alert bracelets do not equate to straight-up sexiness. Apparently these are the qualities that make a granny a comely cougar:
- Believes she has her whole life ahead of her, not her whole life behind her.
- Wants to get the most out of every day of her life.
- Wants to thrive, not just survive.
- Cares for her mind and her body.
- Remains adaptable to life's bittersweet as well as sweet.
- Loves life - and lets everyone know it!
- Cherishes herself as much as she cherishes her loved ones.
- Always open to learning, to new ideas, to new challenges and to new experiences.
We know plenty of nanas that fit those requirements. Check out our picks after the jump, just try not to break a hip.
1. Betty White
Believes she has her whole life ahead of her, not her whole life behind her.
Betty White, who is America's grandma, had accomplished quite a bit in her life when a Snickers commercial and a Facebook-enforced gig hosting SNL made White white hot in her late 80s. As of late she's been nominated for yet another Emmy (girlfriend already has seven) for her role has the sarcastic, bedazzling, old coot Elka Ostrovsky on Hot in Celeveland, debuted her own clothing line which features shirts with her face on them (all proceeds go to various animal charities she supports), and has written a book called If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won't). So, what will White be up to in her 90s? Here's hoping it's the cure for cancer in the form of cheesecake.
2. Sarah Palin
Wants to get the most out of every day of her life.
Moose-shooter, Joe Six-pack empathizer, and bouffant enthusiast Sarah Palin sure knows how to grab life by the horns and mount those horns on her wall, dagnabit! We imagine a typical day in Palin's life goes something like this:
5:30 a.m.: Wake up
5:35 a.m.: Check backyard for Russians
7:30 a.m.: Shoot a caribou
7:40 a.m.: Eat breakfast
8 a.m.: Check a pack of Crayola Crayons for names to recommend for future grandchildren
12 p.m.: Perfect Tina Fey impersonation
2 p.m.: Shoot another caribou
2:10 p.m.: Call an interior decorator for suggestions on how to redecorate the Oval Office when she becomes the first lady president
2
:11 p.m.: Call another interior decorator
2:13 p.m.: Call another interior decorator
2:15 p.m.: Check Google to see if "endless laughter" is a just cause for a law suit
3 p.m.: Dodge brick that comes through living room window
3:15 p.m.: Stick a pin in Obama voodoo doll
3:20 p.m.: Pray
4 p.m.: Skim through dictionary and randomly yell "that's not a real word!"
5 p.m.: Wrestle a grizzly
5:10 p.m.: Have a cup of tea
3. Dee Gruenig AKA Rainbow Sponge Lady
Wants to thrive, not just survive.
Most elderly ladies take up arts and crafts to a) help with arthritis or b) to pass the time until they croak. But not Dee Gruenig! Dee made the art of sponging rainbow "wiggles" her life passion. In fact, she gets so excited about rainbow wiggles it literally makes her moan, especially when she's using a virgin sponge on hard wood:
4. Pole-dancing Granny
Cares for her mind and her body.
Pole dancing grandma cares enough about her body to engage in physical activity and is mindful enough to post her hot moves on YouTube.
5. Joan Collins
Cherishes herself as much as she cherishes her loved ones.
If Joan Collins taught us anything, it's that Joan Collins cherishes Joan Collins. She also cherishes her grandchild as well, a clan of precious little angels who inspired this quote after vacationing with them in the South of France:
Today's mini-mes take their parents' orders as an opener to a debate. Pleas and supplications turn into maneuvering and cajoling, until out-and-out crying or faces of utter misery convince their buckling parents of their need for the thing at hand.Aw, how sweet.
6. Goldie Hawn
Refuses to remain static -- who is always open to learning, to new ideas, to new challenges and to new experiences.
Goldie Hawn, grandma of four (yeah, seriously) was raised Jewish but became involved in Eastern philosophy in the early 70s thus raising her children in both Jewish and Buddhist traditions.
She also founded the Hawn Foundation, which teaches kids, ages 10-13 the Buddhist technique of mindfulness training which advocates positive thinking skills.
7. Any Grandma Who Booty Dances
Loves life - and lets everyone know it!
We now present you with the life-loving booty-shaking memaws of YouTube (BTW, you want to click on that link -- trust):
You're welcome.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
