It's Cultist's favorite February holiday: The Oscars! (Sorry, Presidents Day.) And boy have we been getting prepared. Because no Academy Awards season is complete without a stellar viewing party, we have been racking our movie-lovin' brains for the best dishes, clothing, and party favors for you to foist upon your fellow cinephiles.
But merely watching Hollywood's biggest night on your couch went the way of having only five Best Picture nominees. (Read: It is so two years ago). Ergo, we propose nine full-fledged party themes based on those films up for the Academy's top honor -- complete with fun game suggestions to keep your guests entertained during that boring middle part. (Sorry, Sound Mixing category. It's not like anyone was paying attention to you anyway).
Just beware: spoilers lie ahead. Hey, don't blame us; you should have watched these movies by now. Seriously.
The Artist
Encourage your friends to don all black and
white and communicate solely through charades in honor of this year's most silent
flick and likeliest Best Picture winner. For you fans out there, might
we suggest a smattering of quiet foods, like, uh, yogurt and soft
cheeses sans crackers? (We're going for thematic -- not necessarily
tasty.) When the speeches start to bore you, put the Oscars on mute and
see how good you are at reading lips. Just make sure no one leaves
without their giant, elaborate, and completely non-creepy portraits.
Midnight in Paris
Tell
your pals to leave their know-it-all acquaintances and obnoxious
in-laws at home for this shindig celebrating the time-skewing Woody
Allen film. Have your guests get dolled up in flapper fashions and
drink French wine until they're too zozzled to remember what century it
is. (The 1920s: So hot right now.) Conduct a Charleston dance-off every
time the orchestra cuts short a long-winded speech. And please remember
to hand out those earrings you stole from your fiancé. That party favor
will be the bee's knees!
Moneyball
Finally, the
opportunity to bring those math nerds and jock friends together in one
gathering. Have your crew don their favorite home-team baseball jerseys
(no matter how ugly they are -- we're looking at you, Marlins fans).
Throughout the ceremony, nosh on giant packs of gum (chewing tobacco is
near impossible to get out of rugs) for this based-on-real-life story
about the Oakland A's general manager. Make a game out of leaving the
room every time your favorite nominee pops up on the screen, lest they
lose due to your presence. Party bags should include a spittoon and a
statistics textbook.
The Help
Don't do any
cooking or cleaning in advance of this event; instead, have your friends
do it for you when they arrive. For party attire, opt for those
incredible 1960s dresses instead of the hideous maid uniforms. (We
wanted to own everything Emma Stone wore in this movie about
Civil-Rights-era racial tension.) For food, serve fried chicken --
because it just tends to make you feel better about life -- but avoid
the pie. Trust us. Between the best acting categories, put your
pals to work polishing your silver. And remember to distribute old commodes coats at the start of your social function.
Hugo
Now
this is an idea you can set your watch ginormous clocks by. Get decked
out in berets to celebrate the genius 3-D adventure of an orphan living
in a train station. Munch on delicious baguettes (bonus points if they
were stolen), and during the Oscars short film section, find new ways to
dissuade your love interest's dog from biting you. Regarding favors:
This is a great opportunity to finally get rid of all those blank-faced,
nightmare-inducing automatons that watch you sleep. (Why oh why do you
let them watch you sleep?!)
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
We're
going literal for this party theme: Spend the night getting up in each
others' faces and hollering. (What do you want us to say? Sept. 11 was a tragedy, and this movie looked too cloying to actually watch.) The dress
code is "grieving chic" and dishes should be comfort food. Party game:
See who could come up with the most plausible excuse for how this got
nominated for Best Picture over Bridesmaids or Super 8. And for favors, dole out copies of the book the film was based on; we hear it is stellar.
War Horse
Divide
your chums into trenches for this party in honor of Steven Spielberg's
World War I Oscar-baiting epic. Guests should don century-old soldier
uniforms as they feast on -- what else? -- actual war horse. (Mmmmm, war
horse. Nom nom nom.) Start a rousing game of "pin the tail on the war
horse" during the annual PricewaterhouseCoopers' section. And send every
guest home with their own personal war horse. We'd also encourage all
party attendees to yell "Waaaar Hooorse" at random intervals, a la this Saturday Night Live sketch.
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The Descendants
Break
out those Hawaiian shirts and bikini bottoms for a luau celebrating
this movie starring George Clooney as a sad sack who learns his comatose
wife cheated on him. Serve traditional island fare, like pineapple and
mai tais. And when Cirque du Soleil takes the stage instead of Jason
Segel singing "Man or Muppet," deal with your (totally justified) anger by
prodding your pals to air their family's dirty laundry. Mull the idea of
offering all guests your own family heirlooms as party favors, but
decide at the last minute to just keep them for yourself.
The Tree of Life
Hang
your head in shame if this is the theme you elected to go with. Much
like no one understood this movie, no one wants to come to your party
based on it.
--Jordana Mishory
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