The hipster bug swept Miami, first landing in Wynwood, possibly directly from Patient Zero in New York City. Scenester kids were among the first to be infected on account of their low body fat and weakened immune systems stemming from a vegetarian and bullshit diet.
Many emo kids soon followed and traded in their Dashboard CDs for something a little less mainstream, like YTCracker. Oh, you haven't heard of them? Well what a surprise. You think you know hipster -- but can you really spot the difference between them and homeless people or lumberjacks?
Lumberjacks are proud folk with mystical abilities. They were forged from
Norse Play-Doh millennia ago, in a back-alley somewhere in Asgard, by the
great god Odin while drunk as shit on celestial moonshine. Lumberjacks
and their prime directive in life of "chopping trees and shit" have been
dropping more wood than Sarah Jessica Parker in lingerie.
For most of
human existence, lumberjacks have been content with being heard but
never seen. Notable exceptions have been Paul Bunyan, famed for his
massive stature and his blue ox Babe, and of course there's Sarah
Jessica Parker.
beings from all walks of life which for one reason or another ended up
downtrodden and without enough capital to support themselves. Most share
similar attributes; substance abuse, lack of family/friend support
system, and a liberal arts degree. Keiser University actually offers a
fast-track liberal arts degree where you give them all your money and
they give you a sheet of paper mocking you and questioning your ability
to make proper decisions in the future.
Hipster, Homeless, and Lumberjack: The Similarities
1. Attire: The biggest similarity between the three groups is attire. Here are some commonalities:
• A scarf that makes them look like an Afghani insurgent
• Suspenders
• Unorthodox headwear
• Tattered jeans
• Shoes that haven't been in style since Carter took office
• Plaid
2. Facial Hair: Aside
from attire, facial hair is universally regarded as a requirement in all
three groups. Lumberjack beards are cultivated through manliness and
necessity to combat the cold. Homeless beards arise from a lack of
access to a razor. Hipster beards materialize on the power of irony and Arcade Fire's Grammy award.
3. Food
trucks can be considered a congregation point for all. Lumberjacks love
food, and they have an affinity for trucks, so it's pretty evident why
they would chill by a truck with food in it. Homeless people love food,
and they're partial to people with the disposable income willing to part
with it for what's basically a novelty, which means they'll probably
hang around food truck areas bumming for change.
Hipsters only really
like organic stuff from Whole Foods or Milam's Market. Yet somehow they
also love food trucks, purveyors of expensive, fried, greasy, unhealthy
fare. This sort of cognitive dissonance doesn't faze hipsters which
brings us to our next section.
Hipster, Homeless, and Lumberjack: The Differences
Depending
on your region, it can be very easy or very difficult to spot the
differences between the three. For example, if you live in Canada,
you're going to have a tough time, and not just because you're
surrounded by super-nice Canadians and socialized health care. In Miami,
it's a bit easier to spot. There aren't many lumberjacks to fuck with
the curve, so 95% of the time you can rule them out.
So
how do you differentiate between a homeless man and a hipster? Both are
excruciatingly tacky, one by necessity and the other through irony.
It's pretty easy when you know what you're looking for.
1. The
smug look on their goddamn faces. These Boho babies with art blogs may
dress like they've been living off of loose change but they'll drop $30
on a plain white tee from American Apparel.
2. Attitude: If you're ever unsure of
whether you're looking at a homeless man or a fan of "distressed" jeans,
just ask them a question and wait for their smarmy-ass reply.
Elitist hipster: "Ummm... my fixed-gear doesn't need fuel, so...?"
Hipster bastards love ending statements with the inflection of a question.
3. Evaluate their contribution to society. Lumberjacks provide us with tales of testosterone, wood, and at least one of them was responsible for Sex and the City.
Thanks to their tireless efforts we can enjoy sitting on park benches
and eating an extraordinarily unhealthy Denny's Lumberjack Slam, which
contains flapjacks, eggs, and chest hair.
Homeless denizens have a
more indirect but still important role. They give attractive, young,
white girls everywhere a way to feel like they're making an impact when
they volunteer at a soup kitchen that one time.<
Hipsters,
on the other hand, have very little value to offer. They can't work the
service industry because if they worked at Best Buy any album
recommendation you ask for would be met with "um... I only like bands
that have a theremin player and a guy who stands next to the
accordionist translating all the lyrics to sign language. It's probably
too obscure for you...?"
Damn hipsters.
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