On day one of Exxxotica Miami Beach 2011, Cultist scored a subscription to Buttman Magazine, rode the cocksaw, met the biggest set of implants on Planet Earth, and went all cowgirl atop a bucking pink mechanical penis.
Day two wasn't any less exciting. We chatted with the most beautiful ass to ever explode out of the Lonestar State, AKA Alexis Texas. We kicked it with Christians calling for an end to gayness and porn. We tasted a penis pop, bought a Bang Bros tee, talked tattoos with BBW babes, tried on the Fukuoku masturbation glove, and solicited some fatherly advice from Ron Jeremy.
Starting off our evening at the SoBe sexpo, we spent about 90 seconds with a gang of Bible-thumping protesters who'd decided to waste an entire day parading around the Miami Beach Convention Center parking lot, waving signs that said stuff like "HOMO SEX IS SIN" and "REPENT OR PERISH." But it wasn't all fire and brimstone. See the comfortingly tolerant footnote: "WE DON'T HATE HOMOS."
Once inside, we quickly collected our ticket, hustled past security, and immediately began ripping off our clothes. But then we noticed section four of Exxxotica's general event rules and information: "Nudity and sexual activities are strictly prohibited on the show floor, lobby, or any other areas of the Miami Beach Convention Center." Total bummer.
A half-hour later, we ran into this fine white-wigged creature in a crooked zebra-print bikini. She let us snap a photo for free. But when we asked her, "How long does it take to finish off one of those penis pops?," she just said, "Pictures don't cost shit. But you gotta pay for questions."
Over on the other side of the showroom, the Bang Bros booth was set up in a dark corner like some kind of low-rent porno theme park. You could buy his and hers t-shirts, meet and greet a few of Miami's favorite sex pros, and even crawl around inside the actual semen-stained Bang Bus.
We all know relationships are tricky. But the best way to ward off boredom and a nasty breakup is picking a hobby that you can pursue together. It's a really great way to stay connected. And for these two latex-freak lovebirds, that special shared pastime seems to be "wearing creepy masks in public."
Sometimes the human hand needs a little help. So we tested out the Fukuoku Five-Finger Massage Glove. It runs on three AAA batteries. The tip of each finger's got vibrating pads. And as the sales guy assured us when we brought up the topic of underwater masturbation: "It's waterproof to about three feet. You can take it into a bathtub or hot tub. But we don't recommend scuba diving."
Meet Superstar XXX. She's a self-described "adult-film actress, producer, director, BBW party promoter, and CEO" who's into "big-dick riding, facesitting, and cock sucking." We talked about music, books, and her booty tattoo. She even hooked Cultist up with a free DVD. Stay tuned for a detailed review.
In the meantime, read our interview with her here.
As the clock clicked to 11 p.m., Exxxotica was winding down and we were minutes away from getting kicked to the curb by security. So we headed for the exit. But then we spotted the Hedgehog! He was doling out all kinds of fatherly advice to this circle of mooks that had surrounded him.
Now we only caught the end of his speech. But the highlight was the schlubby 58-year-old stud's parting tidbit on how to avoid premature ejaculation: "Just when you're about to cum, think about something totally disgusting. Like a dead animal. Or your grandmother. It works."
Read our Q&A with the Hedgehog here.
Goodnight!
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