Film's Biggest Losers and Winners of 2011

that broke the mold and swirled genres together in unprecedented ways.

Several icons of the movie world made remarkable contributions that

should be mentioned at the year's close.

On the other hand, you've gotta face it: There are some horrendous movie makers out there these days, along with literally millions of Americans who are willing to pay to see their horrendous movies. But that doesn't mean we can't take a little time out once a year to stare the reality of these terrible directors and films in the face and call them what they are, right?

In that spirit, here's a

way-too-short-to-be-exhaustive roundup of some of the worst and best

things to happen to film in 2011.

Losers



5. Abduction
​​Instead of making this movie about a teen who finds his baby picture on a

missing persons site, they should have called the film "Abdominals" and

focused the camera on Taylor Lautner's rock-solid stomach for an hour

and forty-six minutes. That way we'd get the all visual appeal and be

spared the half-hearted acting, cliche-packed dialog, and awkward

editing of the actual flick.



4. The Roommate
Just

what the world needs: another movie about an obsessive stalker types

and all the crazy shit they can do to torment the objects of their

obsessions. This movie about a girl named Sara (Minka Kelly) whose

college roommate Rebecca (Leighton Meester) becomes dangerously obsessed

with her is just more of the same. On top of being painfully hackneyed,

it also deserves credit for its negligent story line, which overlooks

the idea of providing some kind of back story to explain crazy roommate

Rebecca's apparent mental illness.



3. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
We

feel like just listing the title and leaving the rest to the

imagination is enough explanation for why this movie belongs in the

"worst" category. But here's a little more just in case that seems

unfair: FBI agent Malcolm (Martin Lawrence) and his son Trent (Brandon

T. Jackson) go undercover as Big Momma and Charmaine to solve a murder

mystery in an all-girls performing arts school. Sigh.

that's not the title of a movie. We're calling out American audiences

for paying money to see lame movies. Every single one of the top five

grossing films in this country was a sequel. Many of them were sequels

to movies that were not very good to begin with. So Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 got rave reviews and critics gave Transformers, Dark of the Moon a few cheers. The same can't be said of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1; The Hangover Part II; and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which were all on the top grossing list, in that order. Next up was Fast Five, starring Vin Diesel, the Rock, and Ludacris, followed by Cars 2. 'Nuff said.

and for good reason. It was horrible. We like director Sandler and star

Nick Swardson, the comedian who regularly appeared as Terry, the

drug-addicted, rollerskating male prostitute/societal menace on Reno 911.

Still, there was just no reason for this film to ever be made. Bucky

Larson is a kid from the Midwest who moves out to Hollywood to carry on

the family tradition of becoming a porn star. Reviews of the film

include accusations that the screenplay was written by three horny

middle school boys, which seems like an insult to horny middle school

boys from some of the synopsis snippets we've read. Some examples:

Larson's member is literally microscopic, and he orgasms instantly every

time he sees a woman take her shirt off. We're speechless.

Sandler's similarly embarrassing Jack and Jill and crappy romantic comedy Just Go With It secure him a special place as a huge loser in 2011 film.

And now, for something completely different...

Winners



5. J. Edgar
For all its homosexuality, J. Edgar wasn't nearly as racy as we thought it

might be. But we like it anyway, because it did an awesome job of explaining

the rise of the FBI while providing insight into J. Edgar Hoover's

complicated personality. It was also interesting to see Leonardo

DiCaprio in a role that didn't showcase even a sliver of his

handsomeness. Beautifully acted (we found Armie Hammer as Hoover's

second-in-command, Clyde Tolson, especially memorable) and filmed, this

was definitely an understated winner of the 2011 movie world.



4. Director Werner Herzog
This German director, writer, and producer has been in the game for half a century. In 1972, he came out with Aguirre: The Wrath of God, in which a Spanish expedition follows its ruthless and insane leader in search of El Dorado. In 2005, he brought us Grizzly Man, a documentary about a guy who decides to live among beasts. This year, his Cave of Forgotten Dreams

was released - in some cities, it was shown in 3-D - a fascinating

documentary in which Herzog gained exclusive access to perfectly

preserved French caves containing 32,000-year-old cave paintings. The

director shows no signs of slowing down, with two or three new projects

already in the pipeline.



3. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Some

people think the new version doesn't stack up to the original, but as

far as this year's blockbusters go, this one was top notch in our book. The

special effects were awesome, and the remake succeeded in adding

something new to the original by making audiences empathize with the

crazy apes instead of the silly humans.



2. Melancholia
Maybe

as a symptom of the dismal state of the economy, many of 2011's films

centered on despair. It was a tough year for a lot of Americans, and it

makes sense to us to consider that when picking out the year's most

remarkable films.

Not only does Melancholia go

beyond capturing the melancholy mood of the year, but it also leaves an

intriguing world of suggestibility open to the viewer. We haven't been

that impressed with Kirsten Dunst since she played the little vampiress

opposite Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, but she gives such a skilled

performance in Lars von Trier's new flick that rumors of an Oscar

nomination come as no surprise.



1. Woody Allen
At

76 years old, Allen staged a pretty stellar comeback in 2011 with the

release of Midnight In Paris. Starring Owen Wilson, the story includes

time travel back to the 1920s, where our protagonist Gil gets to meet

all the coolest people of that era - and with Woody Allen at the pen,

the cool people picks are guaranteed to be pretty good ones. F.

Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Salvador Dali, T. S.

Eliot, Man Ray, and Gertrude Stein are among the greats we rub elbows

with along the way.

After forty years of quirky film making, Allen's Midnight in Paris is his highest grossing ever (although if you adjust for inflation, Annie Hall still

tops the chart). Allen is proof that there's hope for oddball creative

types, and that alone is enough to make our spirits bright for the onset

of the new year.

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