Genital insertion on video is a multi-billion dollar industry. If you want your piece of the pie, you're probably going to need some help navigating your way around the sketchy-ass world of fluffers, strap-ons, and overacting. Luckily for you, I'm just the guy to teach you a thing or two about it. Am I a pornography expert? No. However, I'm man enough to admit I watch porn even knowing my parents will read this article, plus I'm what you call a Wikipedia enthusiast so I pick up a lot of random information we can incorrectly apply to this little course.
First things first, if you want to break into the porno biz, you need to understand that you can never run for politics. Yes, we all know the Republican party fucks America for sport, but the difference is they don't do it on-screen. Once you make the conscious decision to perform the Devil's Symphony in front of a camera, you've effectively decided you never want a Nobel Prize or to decide a nation's fate. If you're cool with this, let's proceed.
It's All in the Name
Obviously, you've gotta get yourself a porn name. There are a ton of
porn name generators on the Internet, the most famous of which is one
that creates identities based on the street you grew up on and the name
of your first pet. If you're from Miami, that's not going to work too
well unless you want your name to be 107th Avenue Sam. You just need to
pick a name that "sounds" like it's out of a porno. Take my name, for
instance, Orlando Winters. It works as a perfect porn name. Winters are
bitter, cold, drop a lot of white stuff, and don't care if
they'll make you late for work. It's coincidentally how I am toward
women post-coitus. Coming up with a name is the easy part.
We're going to go the independent route. This doesn't mean making artsy
films that just so happen to feature back door action when the
protagonist finds out his wife is bi-polar. I'm talking about an online
enterprise you fund yourself.
You'll need to name your site something and register a domain name to go
along with it. If you're the humorous type, try to make it a cheesy
play on words. For example, if you're going to specialize making British
royal family-themed porn you can call it "Your Royal Thighness." You
can also opt for the more obvious approach where you don't beat around
the bush and name your site descriptive to what's going on. "Bang Bus"
is a great example. It's a bus in which lots of banging occurs. You'll
find a lot of these, and there's never a miscommunication. If you call
your site "Ebony Secrets" people will wonder if it's a web site about
black people keeping things to themselves, but if you call it, "Black
People Having Sex" they'll know what's up.
Find the Talent
Finding someone to tickle a g-spot is easier than finding the g-spot.
Just use Craigslist. Craigslist is one of man's greatest inventions when
it comes to furthering depravity. I just spent a couple of minutes
browsing the "casual encounters" section and I contracted syphilis. If
there's any place on Earth where you can find yourself someone willing
to put an object in their hole, take it out and put it in their other
hole, then take it out and put it in their OTHER hole, it's Craigslist.
Here's an example of something you can post on Craigslist to cast your scene:
We're in need of a furry scene as part of a dream sequence in our adult
film. You'll be wearing a full-body bunny costume with an opening in the_____ and ____ area. There are a couple of minor speaking lines in
which you'll mimic Bugs Bunny, things like "ehhh, what's up cock?"
Nothing too complicated.
Bust size is not important as the suit will aid in creating a large
size, but height requirements are strict. Female must be between 5'3"
and 5'6".
Pay is $800 for the scene. Please send photos and any samples.
STD screening is mandatory and we'll take care of preparations.
Let's Get It On
You've got your name, your web site, and your talent. Now you need to
intercourse your talent. Sexually. Don't worry about getting a
cameraman. Just set up a tripod cam recording you from one angle, and a
handheld camera so you can record from a POV angle. If you're dead-set
on higher production values, Craigslist to the rescue. Or, better yet,
you can walk the streets of downtown until you find someone in an
unemployment line who used to be a videographer. Remember that homeless dude
with the golden voice that used to be a radio broadcaster? Anything is
possible, and for a bottle of Cisco he'll even style your hair down
there (yes, there).
Do your thing, try not to cry as you realize what depths you've sunk to
and how you're going to explain this to people at your 10-year high
school reunion, and properly edit everything so viewers have no idea you
ejaculated post-haste.
Profit
There's probably a marketing step missing there somewhere, but Wikipedia
didn't do a good enough job of explaining to me how to teach you to
market your amateur porn site. The point is, right now you're probably
swimming in tens of dollars thanks to your new registered sex-offender
monthly subscriber!
Pat yourself on the back and enjoy your obvious daddy issues.
--Orlando Winters
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