The countdown to Exxxotica Miami Beach has officially begun -- look for a counter at the top of the Miami New Times homepage coming soon (not really). There's nothing quite as fun in the run up to the Miami's number one porn event as looking at the long (we're talking Ron Jeremy long) list of porn stars and celebrities who will grace us with their physical presence and gifts. They make a Patricia and Phillip Frost's endowment look pretty puny.
Spend a couple of minutes on the Miami Beach Exxxotica website at work and you'll get a taste of the noms de poon preferred by those who make money shaking their wares on video. That way at least you'll have a good time before human resources calls you in to discuss your internet history. Or you can just read on after the jump and we'll tell you all you want to know about the ribald, tasteless, and truly pornographic names attached to even more pornographic bodies come May 20.
Gone are the days when obtuse names like Heather Hooters, Plenty UpTopp,
Pussy Galore (oh wait, that from a James Bond movie), or Dirk Diggler
(oh wait, that's from Boogie Nights) dominated porn credits. Today, you
have to work harder for your name to stand out in porn. Take Flick
Shagwell and Cherry Poppens for example, there's some real talent in
those names. And it turns out Exxxotica is really a hotbed for clever
and witty namesmiths who employ a variety of literary tools to draw
attention to themselves. We mean, besides showing you their titty balls.
Word Association
The industry might have gotten more refined but good old fashioned word
association still goes a long way in porn. Take for example Lexington
Steele, and African American performer with a rare undiagnosed case of
Polymelia, who chose wisely
with his stage name. Steel is strong and hard and black, just like the
actor. And we don't know about you but Lexington evokes visions the
Kentucky Derby and horses and, well, there's not much doubt, the guy is
hung like one. A real stud. Or so we hear.
Then there's Adrenalynn
(spelling and grammar is less important in porn). This spicy little
number is sure to get many a heart rate going and adrenalin pumping. Or
how about Preslee Bangs, a dude who we assume has a strong association
with...Elvis Presley?
Irony
Less common, but still a literary device used to titillate unsuspecting
porn fiends is irony. At Exxxotica you'll see Alicia Secrets, who has
none, and Chastity Lynn, who hasn't been since high school at best
(we're guessing).
Puns
Though puns can be clever, the Exxxotica crowd are not exactly road
scholars (yeah, we know) so some actresses feel the need to explain things plainly. Lexi Swallow, Taylor Vixen, Courtney Cummz, and Athena
Pleasures oblige.
Porn Favorites
There are some names that are just associated with porn, and we don't
really understand why. We counted eight starlets with Lexi or some
variation in their names - Lexi Love, Lexington Steele, Lexxxi Lockhart,
simply Lexi, Miss Lexy, Lexi Belle, Lexi Swallow, and Alexis Texas.
As expected triple xs are popular in porn names and we have several
including Nyomi Banxxx, oversized SuperStarXXX, and the rare Lexxxi
Lockhart, who combines the overused Lexi with triple xs.
There are also a
couple of Cocos, Coco Ono Velvett and Coco Devine; two Valentines,
Angela and Jamie; three Presleys, the aforementioned Bangs (though his
first name is spelled differently) as well as Teagan and Jenna; two Divines (Kelly
and Coco, but the latter spelled with an e); and a RubberDoll and a
SnakeBabe, both of who look like what you'd expect them to.
It's all rather entertaining if you ask us. And that's even before they take their clothes off.
Miami Beach Exxxotica 2011 runs May 20, 4 pm - 11 pm; May 21, 12 pm - 11 pm; May 22, 12 pm - 7 pm; at the Miami Beach Convention Center. Tickets cost: $25 - $70. For more information visit www.eXXXoticaExpo.com.
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