Today is Valentine's Day, or, as it might as well be known, "Singles are expected to feel shitty about themselves day." The image of single people sitting at home crying while downing a double bottle of pinot grigio is almost as much a Valentine's Day cliché as boxes of chocolate, conversation hearts, and strawberries and whipped cream.
But if you're single today, don't fall prey to these expectations of self-loathing. You're in Miami! One of the sexiest damn cities in the world! One of the best places to be single on the globe! Enjoy it!
Because let's be real, there are only a handful of people and institutions who actually "win" on V-Day:
- The greeting card, chocolate, jewelry and flower industries.
- Insecure girls in relationships who like to brag on social media about how loved they are.
- Your friend Dave who is trapped in a dead-end marriage that has long since lost its flame and who can only ever hope of having sex on his birthday, anniversary and tonight. (Well, sex with his actual wife that he doesn't have to pay for, anyway.)
Otherwise, Valentine's Day is at best a wash and at worst a mini-travesty, but let's focus on why it's so great to be single on a day like today in a city like Miami.
1. Valentine's Day is F#*!ing expensive
Miami is a city that expects a certain amount of class and taste (read: money spent). Unless you're a systems analyst and father of two living in West Kendall, you're not going to get away with taking your date to the Olive Garden. Valentine's Day in Miami means booking reservations at at least a Sugarcane level or better, and that bill is not going to be cheap. That's not even including the clothing, grooming, flower, chocolate and edible underwear costs. Plus, considering today is a Thursday and most of us don't get paid until Friday, just be happy that you don't have to shell out money tonight.
2. Miami time is not conducive to Valentine's Day
For people actually in relationships, Valentine's Day should be about maximum boneage hours. Miami time is not conducive to this. Everyone here runs at least an hour behind, and 10 p.m. is a perfectly acceptable dinner reservation time here, even on a weeknight. That leaves precious little time for quality pants-part touching time, so just be glad you're not amongst your co-workers who will show up to the office tomorrow either sexually frustrated or dangerously lacking in sleep.
3. Picking up other singles is going to be so easy tonight
If people are out with their actual dates at a bar or club tomorrow night, they're doing it wrong. As we said, they should be at home licking whip cream off of each other already. That should mean that everyone out at bars and clubs tomorrow night will be single, and, let's be honest, no single person goes out on Valentine's Day without at least secretly hoping to get on some make-out action. Play your cards right and it'll be like shooting fish in a barrel. More so than it usually is in Miami.
4. The weekend starts tomorrow
Your coupled friends will be stuck doing stupid couple things like driving up to the Ikea to pick out closet fixtures and going to brunch with their partner's friends who they secretly hate. Meanwhile, you will be free to do whatever you please, and if being single on Valentine's Day really is getting you down, then please do make sure you do whatever you goddamn please. Stay out to the clubs 'til five. Sleep in way into the afternoon (maybe in some tourist's hotel bed). Eat ice cream for breakfast and don't bother getting dressed again until you're ready to go out and party again. Top it all of with getting day drunk on the beach on Sunday. You're single, you're great, you're in Miami, make the most of it.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.