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| Columns |

What's in Your Stocking? Your Morons of the Week!

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South Florida's hapless idiots are a tireless bunch. And since moronic behavior doesn't take a week off for the holidays, we, your diligent Nimwit-Chasing I-Team, have to work overtime to keep up.

We're keeping it short this week, though -- a shot glass full of Bacardi 151-strength moron-elixir to help you shake off your egg nog hangover.

3. Everybody involved in this "guy-who-stole-a-$3,000-cab-ride" story

Meet Lucilo Perez, the Miami man who by all rights should have a rolled-up beaded seat cover wedged in his lower intestine right about now. He wanted to get to Memphis, Tennessee, to visit his girlfriend for the holidays. So he flagged down a cab and promised the driver full payment once they got there, cops say. Perez' girlfriend in Memphis, Nellie Rose, got on the phone with the driver, Lelis Almeira and said she'd have the money ready.

This was not a master caper. After the 20-hour drive, Perez owed $3,000 -- at least five times what a plane ticket from Miami to Memphis should cost. Shockingly, nobody had the cash to give the driver. Perez was charged with felony theft, and Almeira set out on his sad return trip to Miami. Now the girlfriend is promising they'll pay back the cabbie in the new year.

All sympathies to the jilted driver, but he earned his own share of this award after Riptide read that he had not only paid for the trip's gas, but even bought Perez's food during the journey.

Dude, the guy didn't have enough cash to buy his own 7-11 Taquito. That wasn't a red flag?

2. The 24th Horse to Get Whacked in South Florida this Year

No disrespect to the slaughtered horse, who we're sure was a cool oat-eating motherlover, but come on... don't you read the paper? Couldn't you spend the night inside your stall? Did you really have to go out clubbing? Okay, bad pun.

1. Anybody who Spent $30 on Dennis Rodman's mansion-raffle

Besides the fact that investing any amount of money into a project overseen by Dennis Rodman is always a bad idea, this is a 1-in-300,000-odds lottery that will almost certainly ruin your life if you win.

First of all, we're not sure where Rodman gets his claim that the Ft. Lauderdale house is "valued at over 3 million". According to Broward County appraisers, the house is currently worth $1.45 million. It's never been worth more than $2.35 million. And if you were to win, you'd immediately owe roughly half that to the IRS, plus $28,000 in annual property taxes. If you don't have that kind of cash, you could try to flip the house in the worse seller's market in recent history.

Are we the only ones who smell a lawsuit arising out of this?

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