| Columns |

What Will Become Of John McAfee, Marco Rubio and Jeffrey Loria?

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes his predictions for the new year.

What will happen in 2013 to capture people's attention? Who will do something to make us say, "WTF?" Well, I have some predictions:

• The NCAA won't impose severe sanctions on the Miami Hurricanes

football program. The school will lose a couple of scholarships but will

get to play in a bowl game. In fact, Miami will play for the national


• Wily multimillionaire John McAfee won't have to go back to Belize to

answer questions about his neighbor's death. He will settle into a new

mansion on Star Island and make himself our new local hero when he buys

the Miami Marlins from Jeffrey Loria.

• Chad Johnson will move to Los Angeles to become an adult film star

named Ocho Mandingo. Chad wasn't kidding about doing porn if football

didn't work out. A teaser of his new career already leaked last week

when WorldStarHipHop published photos of Chad banging a stripper.

• Katherine Fernandez Rundle will pardon former Miami-Dade County

Commissioner Joe Gersten, who skipped town 20 years ago to avoid charges

of perjury and making a false police report for lying about how his

Mercedes-Benz got jacked.

• Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez and county commissioners will approve

taxpayer monies to build a retractable roof for the Miami Dolphins'

stadium. They will also give team owner Stephen Ross permission to

partner with Genting to build a Jimmy Buffett-themed casino.

• Miami Herald reporters won't make it to any breaking news events

because they will be stuck in traffic near the new headquarters in


• Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff will be named grand marshal of the

annual Martin Luther King Jr. parade.

• Marco Rubio will grow a bushy mustache so he can look more "Mexican"

and appeal to non-Cuban Hispanics.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.