What if Rush Limbaugh Bought The Miami Herald?

The wingnuts at the Free Republic were prematurely dancing on the grave of The Miami Herald yesterday. There's some predictable, irrational bitching about bias in the mainstream media, and then they settle on the idea that, ha ha, Rush Limbaugh should buy The Herald. Which is exactly what you would want to see happen if you were truly concerned about bias.

Now, like everything posted in the comments on this site, it is absolutely, 100% not based on any sort of rational fact, but let's just imagine what would happen if Ol' Rushie bought The Herald. After the jump, we've Limbaugh-ized some of the recent hits from our favorite daily paper.

Pets pounce into Santa's lap

KEY LARGO -- Bob Hutchinson, a secular fanatic, has waged a yearly war on Christmas and decent American values by dressing up as Santa Claus, some sort of liberal mythical figure designed to take the focus of the Holidays off the birth of Christ onto some sort of Godless pagan celebration about gay reindeers. Poor defenseless, patriotic dogs are forced to partake in this propaganda, but because all of God's creations are endowed with an innate sense of Conservatism and traditional values, they peed all over this man, for great justice.

Taravella band will play for Obama

CORAL SPRINGS -- Innocent local high school children are being indoctrinated into worshiping newly installed Arab, Socialist President Barack Hussein Obama and are asking for communist welfare handouts in order to make this secular pilgrimage, instead of getting jobs and working hard for the money like any decent American should.

Wade lifts Heat past Bobcats

MIAMI -- Sorry to say this, I don't think he's been that good from the get-go. I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NBA. The media has been very desirous that a black basketball player do well, as evidenced by this affirmative action headline.

Search on for answers to why planes collided

EVERGLADES -- More like search on for a decent doctor who can prescribe me some vicodin over here, jeez. Oh, some planes crashed. The pilots were probably homosexuals or humanists or black welfare queens or such and it was a message from God.

--Kyle Munzenrieder

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