4

Tim Tebow Would Actually Make a Perfect Lt. Gov. for Rick Scott

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Yesterday in a column torn to shreds by our Northern brethren over at The Pulp, Palm Beach Post columnist Frank Cerabino suggested that Tim Tebow would make an excellent choice for Rick Scott to pick as his next Lieutenant Governor.

Hold your groans. It's actually a brilliant idea. So elegant, so bold, so perfect!

Rick Scott has now been without a Lt. Gov. since the March resignation of Jennifer Carroll, and has taken his sweet time trying to find a replacement.

Tebow is of course now suddenly free after a brief period when the Patriots attempted to humor him. His football future is now in question, and Tebow has previously said he would "consider" a future in politics. Well, the timing couldn't be more perfect.

Scott clearly needs to name a popular running mate to help his meager reelection chances in 2014, and perhaps no one is as prepared and qualified for this role as Tebow.

  • Tebow has long worked under raging jerkwads: Urban Meyer, Rex Ryan, Bill Belichick, the vengeful, angry idea of the fundamentalist Christian God. Compared to those guys Rick Scott looks like quite the charming fellow (I mean, so would Ted Kaczynski, but still).

  • Much like the role of most NFL backup QBs, the role of Florida's Lt. Gov. is constitutionally defined as pretty much doing nothing until the main guy gets in some major trouble. If there's one thing we've learned about Tebow over these past two years it's that he's really, really good at waiting around and doing nothing. Perhaps one of the finest masters of doing nothing the NFL has ever seen! That talent would transfer seamlessly to Tallahassee.

  • Any vote loss a Scott-Tebow ticket might endure from FSU fans would could never in their right consciousness vote for a Gator would surely be made up for by Dolphins fans who figure they at least owe Tebow something for having made the Jets look even more ridiculous than they usually do.

  • Sure, after those pesky lesbian rumors about Jennifer Carroll surfaced, some might assume Scott would want a running mate whose personal life is beyond reproach. Sure, Tebow is a 26-year-old confirmed bachelor who has never had a public relationship with a girl before in his life, but that hasn't stopped confirmed bachelors like Charlie Crist and Tom Foley from successfully seeking public office in Florida before. Plus, have you ever heard the guy talk? His is clearly the voice of a guy who we all know will one day marry a human lady and have 2.5 biological children conceived the old fashioned way.

  • The Scott ticket desperately needs to be balanced out with some more hair, and Tebow has really nice hair. His hairline hasn't even receded at all. So there's that!

  • Rick Scott has already designated Tim Tebow as a "Great Floridian," so we already know Scott is a fan. Let's just forget that Aaron Hernandez attended the ceremony.

  • Think of all the free campaign exposure Scott would get from ESPN! With Tebow on the ticket the channel would probably follow the next Florida gubernatorial race more than it covers the entire WNBA.

  • It's probably a good idea to head off the Democrats choosing Christian Ponder as their Lt. Gov. candidate in 2014, because, lets be real, he'll probably be available.

  • According to a 2011 poll, Tim Tebow had a 59 percent favorability rating in Florida. Those are the kind of poll numbers Scott could only dream of.

  • Scott is poised to almost certainly lose his reelection efforts, and it would probably be a good idea to have a guy by his side who is really experienced at having his hopes and dreams dashed in an extremely public way.

Rick Scott make this happen!

Follow Kyle Munzenrieder on Twitter: @Munzenrieder

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.