Three Reasons the Miami Heat Will Knock Out the Knicks Tonight

Page 2 of 2

Coaching Consistency
You could argue that the Knicks' (much needed) midseason coaching change also ensured the team wouldn't get very far in the playoffs. But we're talking about a much more important kind of coaching consistency: facial hair.

Erik Spoelstra may look like a teenager, but that's the point. He couldn't grow a beard if LeBron pasted it onto his chin. This is the type of constancy that ballers are looking for: the same face in the huddle, night in and night out.

Knicks coach Mike Woodson, however, has the most terrifying facial hair in the league. This year, it morphed from a carefully kept circle beard -- also known as a door knocker -- into a veritable black hole of impenetrable bristle. His lips now appear to float in space. His facial hair is so intense it's practically an alternate identity, with multiple Facebook pages and a twitter account of its own. This can't be good for coaching. Who should the Knicks listen to: Woodson or his goatee?

And that's not even going into the whole mystery of his disappearing eyebrows.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.