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Three Reasons the Miami Heat Will Knock Out the Knicks Tonight

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Coaching Consistency
You could argue that the Knicks' (much needed) midseason coaching change also ensured the team wouldn't get very far in the playoffs. But we're talking about a much more important kind of coaching consistency: facial hair.

Erik Spoelstra may look like a teenager, but that's the point. He couldn't grow a beard if LeBron pasted it onto his chin. This is the type of constancy that ballers are looking for: the same face in the huddle, night in and night out.

Knicks coach Mike Woodson, however, has the most terrifying facial hair in the league. This year, it morphed from a carefully kept circle beard -- also known as a door knocker -- into a veritable black hole of impenetrable bristle. His lips now appear to float in space. His facial hair is so intense it's practically an alternate identity, with multiple Facebook pages and a twitter account of its own. This can't be good for coaching. Who should the Knicks listen to: Woodson or his goatee?

And that's not even going into the whole mystery of his disappearing eyebrows.

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Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.