Art

The Weirdest Stuff We Saw at Art Basel 2016 (NSFW)

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7. The "Best Use of Food" Award: These huge pickles, presented without comment:

8. The "Let's Never Go Back to That Coffee Shop" Award: This glazed-doughnut painting, which also seems ripped straight from a Portlandia skit, is guaranteed to jack up the price of actual doughnuts at whatever silly third-wave coffee shop pays to hang this in its bathroom.
9. The "Fisher Price Memorial Best Use of Plastic Kitchen Gear" Award: Wall toast!

10. The "I Think This Is Political?" Award: Farah Fawcett, but also a tank, but also maybe it's about white women and the election, or maybe also gentrification in Miami?

11. The "Thing That's Just Here for the Stoners" Award: Toiletpaper's Spaghetti Installation.

Real talk: This was actually the best thing shown anywhere all weekend. The room was full of boatloads of real spaghetti that was cooked and replaced periodically throughout the weekend. It was awesome.

The piece was also very clearly designed to intrigue inebriated people, who make up anywhere from 30 to 110 percent of Art Basel attendees, who spend seven straight days either stoned, hammered on prosecco, or scrubbing cocaine into their gums.

(It also wins the coveted "Chicest Place to Take a Selfie"Award.)

12. The "I Genuinely Can't Explain This" Award: Behold Duck Rembrandt.

"Mom, Dad, Aunt Marnie, Uncle Jim, various cousins: I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here today. Well, I'm here to talk to you about Duck Rembrandt. The minute I laid eyes on the Feathery One, I knew what I had to do: drop out of college and follow Duck Rembrandt around the country, extolling his eternal wisdom to everyone I know. No one is sure how Duck Rembrandt came into existence, or why, or when. Maybe he was painted one week before Art Basel. Maybe he's been with us for eternity. Maybe he never existed at all. All I know is that Duck Rembrandt is me, he and I are one and the same, and I need $3,000 to have a tattoo removed from my back that may or may not be this painting."
13. The "This Is Just a Picture of a Butthole" Award:

This is just a picture of a butthole.

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Jerry Iannelli is a former staff writer for Miami New Times from 2015 to March 2020. He graduated with honors from Temple University. He then earned a master's degree in journalism from Columbia University.