The U.S. Military Ready to Wage War on Outer-Space Terrorists

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke dissects the worldwide UFO conspiracy.

A propaganda campaign to prepare us for the next big war is underway. But this time, the enemy is neither a terrorist nor a communist. Our new nemesis is from another galaxy -- that is, if you believe a bunch of former military men who two weeks ago held a news conference in Washington, D.C., to let us know Martians exist and that they want our nuclear weapons. Now that's bananas.

Two former Air Force captains, Robert Salas and Bruce Fenstermacher,

told reporters at the National Press Club about their close encounters

of the third kind. Just like all UFO crazies, these fools described

seeing strange bright lights in the sky.

Salas, who was a launch officer

for intercontinental ballistic missiles, told of a "red glowing object

hovering outside the front gate" of a nuclear test site. Fenstermacher

claims to have seen a UFO shaped like "a fat cigar with a pulsating

white light." Maybe it was a hyperspace vibrator. After all, aliens like

to get their freak on too.

This sounds like the premise behind a Will Smith movie, not reality.

Sci-fi flicks, TV shows, and documentaries have trained us to believe

aliens exist. And they're on an Earth-bound safari to hunt the human

race.

I'm telling y'all: It's a scam to keep financing the military defense industry.

The UFOs are being made in China. Then they are exported to the United

States, where the CIA and the Joint Chiefs of Staff concoct sightings to

get the mainstream media hyped up. Once this lunacy makes MSNBC and

CNN, it floods the Internet. Then before you know it, we're slipping

millions more into the defense budget.

So Americans better get ready to pay $100 trillion in defense funds to

protect ourselves from extraterrestrial armies in a George Lucas-style

intergalactic conflict. The new Republican majority in Congress will try

to call Dick Cheney out of retirement and give a contract to Xe

Services (formerly Blackwater) to handle the Earth's security. Steve Jobs will get a $50

billion deal to create an iPad so we can iChat with E.T. And we'll

revive Ronald Reagan's Star Wars defense system, only this time to repel

weapons of mass destruction such as the Death Star.

And when Obama won't approve the $100 trillion, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn

Beck, and the Tea Partiers will claim the president is weak on defense

because he's a Muslim from Alpha Centauri.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.

• Columns