CoEd.com has unveiled their 20 trashiest Spring Break destinations for 2014, and Miami came in on the list at number 7. God damn it, we did not just build a brand new Herzog & De Meuron art museum to be branded as a trashy Spring Break destination with the likes of Panama City and Gulf Shores, thank you very much.
In fact, just right off the top of our heads we can think of at least ten far trashier destinations that didn't even make it on the list.
10. Your mom's friend Susan's bedroom
For whatever reason -- home sickness, lack of funds, family obligations -- you decided to spend Spring Break back at home, but even all your high school buddies are off somewhere in Mexico getting blasted. But dammit, everyone else is getting laid this week so why shouldn't you? Hey, your mom's friend Susan is going through that divorce, and she did say you had grown into quite the handsome young man, plus you did rub one out to her vacation pictures when you were 13. Just drink a bottle of jack and go for it.
9. An actual trash yard
Hey, sometimes people throw out liquor bottles that still have a little bit left in them, plus if you find any prescription pill bottles that aren't quite empty you are going to get turnt up my friend.
8. Ciudad Juárez, Mexico
Woah, there's plenty of Spring Break destinations in Mexico but this isn't one of them. There's a drug war going on here! People are dying! And you're gonna show up in your pink bikini and flash your tits around? That isn't just trashy, it's frankly offensive.
7. Miami, Missouri
There's a 175 people here, and you were so drunk when you booked your plane tickets and hotel room you didn't realize you had the wrong state. Have fun!
6. Following Miley Cyrus Around on Her #Bangerz Tour
Trashy and culturally appropriative.
"We'll just stay here because it's cheap, and I'm pretty sure we just get on the Metrorail thing and we'll be in South Beach in 10 minutes? It's like the same thing. Besides, it's not like we're actually going to be sleeping in our own hotel room ...except for maybe you Beth, but we'll totally give you cab money."
You some sort of penguin fucker, boy?
3. Baltimore, Maryland
But it's like that fun, campy John Waters type of delightful trashy!
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2. Ft. Lauderdale
1. Las Vegas
Ok, we agree with CoEd on this one. It's like the worst parts of Miami with casinos full of gross retirees and LA trash instead of a beach.