The Murderous Miami Heat Drinking Game

Note: This log, apparently describing an NBA Finals-themed drinking game played by a group of Miami Heat fans, was discovered late Sunday night. The fate of the heartbroken revelers is not known.


FIRST QUARTER

12:00 -- All right, time for tip-off! Super excited to have all this booze. Keeping my laptop handy to keep track of the entire country rooting against the #Mavs.

11:50 -- Whoa, they're starting Mario Chalmers over Mike Bibby? Interesting move. He's got 34 more points on the series and has been shooting way b--

11:44 -- Air ball. Nevermind. Take a drink, everyone.

10:10 -- LeBron's got five points already! Take a shot people. We're gonna prove the haters wrong.

8:00 -- Suzie pointed out that Rick Carlisle looks like Jim Carrey. Take a shot for Suzie's lack of originality.

5:26 -- BAREA gets an easy layup. Take a shot for the Heat's inability to muster the defense to stop a woodland creature from embarrassing them.

4:10 -- Another shot because Wade let Jason Terry take an easy trey. I think Suzie's starting to feel these shots. Luckily SportsCenter is distracting us with the Mensa-level insights of former Maverick and all-around basketball legend Tim Legler, who started four games in 11 seasons. He doesn't have a Twitter account of his own, but SportsCenter didn't want to deprive us so they just tweeted his crap for him:

"I think tonight is easier for the #Heat. Because of the assumption that if they make it to GM7, they're gonna win."-Tim Legler #NBAFinalsless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


Oh, good, now we all understand the game better. Also, getting a bit drunk.

2:04 -- Heat do that "throw the ball up as the shot clock is expiring" thing again. Another whiskey, down the hatch.

1:26 -- Eddie House is still playing professional basketball? And he's on the floor? Make yourself a beverage, everyone, but don't drink it. Pour it out in memory of Mike Bibby's career, because it's never coming back. It died in Atlanta a few years ago and no one noticed until just now.

SECOND QUARTER

10:15 -- J.J. Barea just got a rebound. Take a drink, dammit, we're down by nine.

9:42 -- Make that down by 12. Take another drink. Did you know the Tony Awards are on tonight? Sucks for all those Broadway fanatics who are also rabid NBA fans.

9:25 -- Suzie just threw up.

8:00 -- Was that a commercial for the WNBA during the break? No. No don't you dare drink to that, Jim. We'll take a shot for the WNBA when they can survive without the NBA giving them sponsors.

6:32 -- FIGHT. WHAT OH MAN. I bet Spoelstra has a blade. I'd start pushing people if Eddie "Big Balls" House made a three-pointer on me too. Also, I don't get why Jim is so pissed about me spitting tobacco juice onto his rug.

2:40 -- Dirk is one for NINE? Take a drink, idiots. Their star is sucking a big one and we're only winning by one.

THIRD QUARTER

Oh, man. I passed out for like 10 minutes. Woke up to a commercial about some party cruise sponsored by Bud Light. I'm betting it's also sponsored by ketamine and Valtrex. I don't feel good.

6:34 -- Barea is guarding LeBron! Here's his chance to -- oh. Nevermind. LeBron just threw him across the court instead of scoring. Drink.

1:05 -- We've missed HOW many free throws?

IM NOT BELIEVING THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


I can't hear anymore. So sick. So drunk. Legler, quit it.

"LeBron HAS to be in the game coming out of this timeout" -Tim Legler #NBAFinalsless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


this isn't fun anymore. capital letters are for winners. wait, it's the 4th quarter?

i think suzies dead

6:08 -- clarence clemons had a stroke. this is the worst nite of my lfie. never drinking again

5:12 -- urghhhh. jim. jim are you ok. jim.

make sure they play billy joel at my funeral

somebody tape sportscent-------

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

Newsletters

All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories
    Send: