Supermoon Rising: This Week's Five Signs of the Apocalypse

In ancient Greek, apocalypse translates as "a revelation." So what could possibly be more apocalyptic than the giant freaking orange moon due to pop up tomorrow night? After all, it's the biggest and closest it's been in nearly two decades. FYI: The "extreme supermoon" is also predicted to (1) make female bass spawn like Ron Jeremy, and (2) cause flooding on South Beach.

Of course, apocalypse also refers to the end of the world. We've had plenty of signs of that too of late.

Here are this week's five signs that the end times are nigh, aside from the blood-red ball of rock hanging in the sky.

5. Human Animal Sacrifice:
So it turns out that yesterday's human body parts scare was really a bag of cow bones, according to the Miami-Dade Medical Examiner's Office. But still, it's just the latest in a series of grisly animal carcass dumpings around town. You say it's SanteríaRiptide says it's the end of the world.

4. Our Astronauts Are Apparently on Cocaine:
It used to be that our best and brightest became astronauts. Now that talent probably goes to the NBA or Wall Street. But as the United States of Goddam America, we still expect a lot from our space-walkers. So what in hell are they doing with cocaine at the Kennedy Space Center? For the second time in 13 months! No wonder we haven't been back to the moon in 40 years. We're high enough already.

3. Miami Heat Actually Wins a Close Game:
Versus the Lakers, to boot. Dwyane Wade and LeBron James made clutch shots, Chris "Like a" Bosh dominated, and the Heat held off Kobe Bryant and company for one of the team's most important wins of the season.

2. Democracy Works, WTF???
Recall sounds way too much like recount, and we all remember how well that turned out. So imagine our surprise when democracy actually worked this time around. County Mayor Carlos Alvarez and Commissioner Natacha Seijas both got the boot in what was the largest municipal recall in U.S. history. We still can't believe it's for real, like finding a $100 bill on the sidewalk, only to wonder if you're really on one of those hidden-camera shows that is about to embarrass your stingy ass.

1. Everybody Is Moving to Florida:
According to the New York Times, the Sunshine State attracted 2.8 million new residents during the past decade. Despite the recent recession, Miami grew 10 percent over that same period to just under 400,000. Maybe the über-Christians and Orthodox Jews got it backward and only we sinful South Floridians will be spared when the world comes to an end. Does that make Miami the anti-Jerusalem?

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